How to (Re-)Build Trust in a Relationship

Trust isn’t owed; it’s earned.

Earning trust requires taking risks and demonstrating that you value the relationship enough to invest in its growth and healing.

Each action, decision, and moment of vulnerability contributes to creating something meaningful with someone you deeply care about. It requires consistent effort, accountability, and self-awareness.

Building trust, whether forming it in a new relationship or repairing it after a betrayal, is an intentional and deeply personal process.

If you have trust issues or need to rebuild trust to repair a relationship, then this article is for you. It provides rituals and exercises and, most importantly, looks at the psychology behind building trust.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free. These detailed, science-based exercises will help you or your clients build healthy, life-enriching relationships.

Understand the Importance of (Building) Trust

Trust is built on vulnerability, emotional security, and connection (Johnson, 2008). It helps make partners feel comfortable being authentic with each other (Brown, 2012).

What happens when lies and betrayal rupture the foundation of a relationship? It immediately impacts our sense of safety and security and fractures our ability to share our thoughts and feelings openly. Fear replaces comfort, and doubt replaces faith.

Beyond its relational benefits, building trust in a relationship ties directly back to our identity. The way we trust others reflects our self-image and how much we actually trust ourselves (Copley, 2023).

Are you someone who has the confidence to take risks or try new things? Do you believe that you are capable of not only dealing with challenges but also thriving as a result? Faith in yourself shows up in how you navigate hard choices in your life.

How to make someone trust you

Trust is not built through grand gestures. It is slowly nurtured through small, consistent actions demonstrating ability, integrity, and benevolence, including after a conflict, when repair is needed (Blakey, 2020).

Explore the following qualities to reflect on your own trustworthiness (Diviney, 2021). Would people say these statements about you?

1. Competence: “I trust that you have the ability to do it well.”
2. Consistency: “I trust that you will continue to do it well over time.”
3. Integrity: “I trust that you will choose what is right.”
4. Compassion: “I trust that you will act with care and kindness because you value others as individuals.”

By nurturing these qualities, we establish trust as a reinforced pattern of behavior in our relationships over time. By focusing our actions on building trust, even conflict and challenges can be opportunities to enrich our relationships.

6 Different Types of Trust

Although never formally defined, in literature different types of trust are described by various authors. In healthy relationships, trust presents itself in various forms (Rompf, 2012).

Have you noticed these types of trust in your life?

1. Emotional trust

Do you trust someone to support your emotional wellbeing and handle your feelings with care? Emotional trust allows vulnerability, ensuring your emotions are met with empathy, not judgment, fostering deeper connection (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

2. Instrumental trust

Can you rely on someone to follow through on commitments and responsibilities? This trust forms when people consistently show up, whether by keeping promises, meeting deadlines, or offering practical support (Goleman, 2006).

3. Informational trust

Do you believe the information shared with you is truthful and transparent? Informational trust creates security in relationships by ensuring honesty, clarity, and reliability in communication (Brown, 2015).

4. Self-trust

Do you trust your own judgment, abilities, and resilience? Self-trust means honoring your intuition and self-worth, staying true to commitments, and facing challenges with confidence, forming the foundation for personal growth (Copley, 2023).

5. Situational trust

Do you trust certain people in specific contexts, like a doctor’s expertise or a partner’s strengths? Situational trust allows reliance on others when their knowledge or role provides assurance (Lewicki & Tomlinson, 2003).

6. Physical trust

Do you feel safe from physical harm in someone’s presence? Physical trust is crucial in relationships, ensuring safety, respect, and security, whether from a caregiver, partner, or protector (van der Kolk, 2014).

How to Build Trust in a Relationship: 9 Key Behaviors

Building trust in a relationship requires accountability and consistent effort (Blakey, 2020). This needs to manifest in the dependability of actions and a sense of emotional safety, especially during conflict, which is bound to happen in any evolving relationship.

Let’s be clear: Trust is not built on perfection or constant harmony. How a new couple navigates misunderstandings and disagreements is equally as important for building and rebuilding trust.

The following behaviors focus on how your actions and emotions help create the space for others to be vulnerable and open around you.

1. Be true to your word and follow through with actions

Trust begins with honesty and integrity (Blakey, 2020). Keep promises and avoid making commitments you cannot uphold.

If trust has been broken, consistently showing up with honesty allows the hurt partner to observe your efforts without placing the burden of reconciliation on them.

2. Learn how to communicate effectively

Clear, accountable communication is vital. Being consistent in how you vocalize your needs helps your partner get to know you. State what you can and cannot commit to and learn to acknowledge your feelings and the emotions your partner might have.

Communicate with the intent to connect or, if necessary, to repair rather than justify your actions. Building trust requires openness to feedback, even when it’s uncomfortable (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

3. Practice empathy

Empathy is central to establishing genuine trust. Stepping into your partner’s perspective and validating their emotions fosters connection and safety (Orloff, 2023). It also shows your own emotional intelligence.

Demonstrating empathy shows that you understand the depth of their experience and are committed to prioritizing your partner’s feelings and needs.

4. Cultivate emotional responsiveness

Being emotionally attuned to your partner’s needs is essential for building trust, whether for the first time or after a misunderstanding.

Sue Johnson (2008), a renowned clinical psychologist known for her research on attachment bonding, highlights that responsiveness during moments of vulnerability strengthens emotional bonds and creates a sense of security in the relationship.

5. Take time to make decisions and think before acting

Building trust requires intentionality. Inconsistency in actions, thoughtless decision-making, or overpromising can undermine progress. Evaluate your capacity and the potential consequences of your actions before making commitments so that you can be seen as a stable and trustworthy individual (Schwartz, 2004).

6. Engage in rituals of connection

Small, intentional actions, such as shared rituals or routines, help rebuild intimacy and reinforce trust. These moments of connection, such as weekly check-ins or shared gratitude practices, create stability and demonstrate commitment to the relationship (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

7. Admit your mistakes

Mistakes happen. And how a new relationship handles those mistakes can make or break trust. Acknowledge your mistakes openly and without excuses. Avoid pressuring your partner to forgive you immediately. Instead, let your accountability speak to your genuine remorse. This vulnerability fosters connection and builds a foundation for trust (Tavris & Aronson, 2007).

8. Accept influence from your partner

Gottman and Silver’s (2015) research shows that exploring your partner’s influence is a key to connection. Listen actively to your partner’s hopes and concerns, be willing to adapt your behavior to show your support, learn to accommodate and adjust, and collaborate on a vision that honors their dreams and respects their needs.

9. Express gratitude regularly

Gratitude strengthens connection and trust. Expressing gratitude and appreciation to your partner in how they show up for you shows humility and respect, reinforcing positive behaviors in the relationship (Brown, 2012).

Trust Issues: Using CBT for Building Trust

Trust issues often stem from deeply ingrained thought patterns and behaviors shaped by past experiences. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) offers practical tools on how to build trust in a relationship and foster healing after painful ruptures.

Here are examples of four different CBT tools used for building trust:

1. Identify and challenge trust-damaging thoughts

Pay attention to thoughts that undermine trust, like “Everyone will betray me” or “I can’t rely on anyone.” Use a journal to capture these beliefs and ask yourself:

• What evidence supports this?
• What contradicts it?

Replace unhelpful thoughts with balanced alternatives, such as “Not everyone has let me down” and “Trust can grow with time and effort.”

2. Guide yourself through revisiting past betrayals

Revisit painful moments from your past — not to dwell on them, but to reframe their meaning.

Ask yourself:

• Were these betrayals about me as a person, or were they shaped by circumstances or the choices of others?

By seeing these events as isolated rather than universal, you can reduce their hold on your current relationships.

3. Practice graded exposure to vulnerability

Start by taking small, manageable risks in your relationships, such as sharing a mild concern or asking for help. As your confidence grows, gradually increase the level of vulnerability.

This step-by-step approach builds trust incrementally and allows you to feel safer in opening up to others.

4. Create trust-building rituals

Develop consistent habits that reinforce trust, like setting aside time each week for meaningful conversations, practicing gratitude, or committing to following through on promises.

These rituals demonstrate reliability and foster a sense of security in your relationships while reinforcing positive actions. For another beneficial activity in building trust, try some of the Minding in Relationships concepts below:

How to Rebuild Trust After Cheating

Not all couples stay together. For the ones who do, it is important to remember that rebuilding trust after infidelity requires intentional effort and time. The betraying partner must take full responsibility for their actions, while the hurt partner must decide if they can open themselves to trust again.

Earning back trust

Betrayal is more than the minor misunderstandings that occur in any developing relationship. It therefore requires more focused strategies to address. The betraying partner holds the responsibility of earning back trust. It involves deeply understanding and validating the hurt partner’s emotional pain, showing genuine remorse beyond just saying “I’m sorry” (Johnson, 2008).

Additionally, effective repair attempts, including transparency and accountability, are essential to restoring trust after a breach (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

For those learning how to build trust in a relationship after betrayal, key steps include the following:

• Provide a meaningful and genuine apology. Sometimes repeatedly.
  Acknowledge the depth of the pain caused and take full accountability without defensiveness or excuses. This is not about explaining yourself, but instead prioritizing your partner’s pain at all costs.
• Demonstrate an unwavering loyalty to the healing process.
  Show honesty, reliability, and commitment to change through sustained actions. Even when forgiveness does not unfold in the timeline you want, choose to stay the course and hold space for what your partner needs.
• Engage in transparency even if the truth causes you discomfort.
  Answer questions openly and avoid secrecy, rebuilding trust through openness. The truth can hurt, and it is normal to want to protect your partner from further pain. But demonstrating honesty over discomfort shows your commitment to truth.

How to trust your partner (again)

For the hurt partner, regaining trust requires personal healing and gradual reconnection. Seeing the betraying partner acknowledge and validate their pain fosters emotional safety and can open the door to forgiveness (Johnson, 2008).

Creating a culture of appreciation is also helpful as it focuses on present efforts to reconnect rather than past betrayals (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

For hurt partners wanting to know how to trust again, steps include:

• Acknowledging your needs
  Set clear boundaries and communicate openly about fears and expectations.
• Rebuilding emotional safety
  Look for consistent effort from your partner to validate your feelings and repair the relationship.
• Focusing on small positive moments
  Appreciate efforts to rebuild trust and foster reconnection over time.

If you’re looking for more on Gottman’s work on how to build trust in a relationship, we suggest this video.

4 Trust-Building Exercises for Couples

Strengthening trust and intimacy requires creative approaches that encourage open communication and emotional connection. These exercises offer practical ways for couples to deepen their bond and build a more resilient relationship.

1. The vulnerability exchange

Each partner writes down a fear or insecurity they haven’t shared before. Exchange and discuss these feelings in a safe, judgment-free environment, focusing on listening and validating each other’s emotions.

2. The trust fall with words

Sit back to back and take turns sharing one secret, worry, or past experience that shaped your view of trust. This symbolic exercise reinforces emotional reliance on one another.

3. The shared memory journal

Together, document a time when you overcame a challenge as a couple. Reflect on what you learned, how you supported each other, and how that experience strengthened your trust and intimacy.

4. The trust timeline

Draw a timeline of your relationship together, marking milestones where trust was built or challenged. Discuss these moments and explore how they shaped your relationship, focusing on lessons learned and opportunities for growth.

The 4 Best Books on Building Trust

Trust is the foundation of any strong relationship. However, if an individual experienced deep relationship ruptures, such as betrayal or abandonment, trust can be one of the hardest things to rebuild.

These books offer expert guidance on understanding trust, repairing it after damage, and fostering deeper, more authentic connections.

1. The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity – Esther Perel

Esther Perel explores the complexities of trust and betrayal in modern relationships. She offers deep insights into why people stray and how couples can rebuild trust after infidelity.

Perel reframes the emotional dynamics of betrayal, encouraging people to look at it as a catalyst for growth and reconnection, rather than just an end to the relationship.

Through her thought-provoking perspective, readers will gain a deeper understanding of infidelity, uncover paths to healing, and learn how to redefine trust in their relationships.

Find the book on Amazon.

2. Loving You Is Hurting Me: A New Approach to Healing Trauma Bonds and Creating Authentic Connection – Laura Copley

Laura Copley combines her expertise in relationship trauma with actionable steps to help readers disentangle from toxic patterns and rebuild self-trust.

This book provides practical exercises and insights to heal the wounds of betrayal while creating healthier, more intimate connections.

By addressing trauma bonds and emotional wounds, Copley empowers readers to break free from unhealthy cycles and cultivate relationships based on trust and authenticity.

Find the book on Amazon.

3. The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity – Tammy Nelson

Tammy Nelson offers a roadmap for couples to rebuild trust, intimacy, and connection after infidelity by redefining their relationship agreements.

Through open and honest dialogues, the book helps partners create a new monogamy contract that reflects their desires and boundaries moving forward.

Nelson emphasizes communication and transparency, helping couples navigate the complexities of rebuilding trust in a way that strengthens (not weakens) their bond.

Find the book on Amazon.

4. Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love – John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman

John and Julie Gottman help couples build deeper intimacy and connection through eight meaningful conversations in this book.

The practical guidance on navigating topics like trust, conflict, intimacy, and shared dreams helps revisit the very foundations of relationships.

With decades of research, the Gottmans present tools to help couples strengthen their relationships and create lasting love.

Find the book on Amazon.

Helpful Resources From PositivePsychology.com

Would you like more information on how to build trust in a relationship? We are excited to share with you our Positive Relationships Masterclass©, a six-module science-based relationship training for helping professionals.

Decades of research confirm that strong relationships are key to happiness, wellbeing, and resilience. Our masterclass explores the essentials of healthy relationships and equips you with practical tools to build and sustain meaningful connections.

If you’d like more reading material on building and improving relationships, the following resources might be helpful:

• 11+ Honesty Worksheets & Tests for Adults
• The Importance of Forgiveness in Marriage and Relationships

As a practical application, this worksheet helps individuals in a relationship cope with and respond to the negative emotions of a partner and navigate conflict in an effective way.

If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others build healthy relationships, this collection contains 17 validated positive relationships tools for practitioners. Use them to help others form healthier, more nurturing, and life-enriching relationships.

A Take-Home Message

Trust is more than consistent protection and love. Trust is also nurtured by quality repair when that consistency is broken.

It’s the faith that we can overcome something challenging together. It’s about believing in someone’s integrity to own their mistakes, take accountability, and work through challenges with us.

Trust is about knowing they will show up, comfort us, process with us, and tend to what is hurting so that we can feel connected again. And in the end, it’s not about perfection. Trust is built on the courage to repair and a commitment to finding our way forward — together.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free.

ED: Rewrite Feb 2025