Update September 2019: Wow. It’s been two years since I published this post and the comments are still pouring in.
Reading these comments will teach you more about human nature than the article will because of the strength of human biases (especially cognitive dissonance reduction and confirmation bias) that is being portrayed.
Please read the article before leaving a comment. Thanks.
Do you think having children makes you happier?
If so, think again.
Research shows (over and over again) that having children reduces happiness (e.g. Anderson, Russel, & Schumm, 1983 or Campbell, 1981), even though parents think it will make them happier.
This phenomenon is known as “The Parenthood Paradox” or “Parenthood Gap“.
Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Happiness & Subjective Wellbeing Exercises for free. These detailed, science-based exercises will help you or your clients identify sources of authentic happiness and strategies to boost wellbeing.
Why don’t children make parents happier?
One of the dominant explanations for this is that children increase the amount and level of a variety of stressors that parents are exposed to (Glass, Simon, & Andersson, 2016), such as:
- time demands
- energy demands
- sleep deprivation (potentially starting a vicious circle)
- work-life balance disturbances
- financial burden
It goes without saying that all of these stressors apply even more to the lives of single parents. This is why single parents report the lowest levels of well-being compared to married or unmarried couples who are living together.
To make matters worse, people generally become less satisfied with their marriage when they have children (making the attempt to fix a marriage by having children even more ironic).
Research shows the disadvantages of parenthood to be the strongest in the United States. We’ll talk more about this in a bit.
When parents are at their happiest
In his seminal work “Meanings of Life“, Roy Baumeister tells us that there are two happiness peaks in the lives of adults in America, namely:
- between the wedding and the birth of the first child
- between the departure of the last child from home and the death of one’s spouse
So if you’re looking at children from the perspective of personal happiness, the phases of the married life without children are the happiest periods. Yet another argument against having children for the sake of personal happiness (what’s the score, 3 to 0 for not having children now?).
What our readers think
Having a child was the worst decision I ever made. Love the kid and it’s not his fault he needs what he does, but it absolutely ruined my quality of life and destroyed everything about it I loved.
If I could have a redo, I would not have children.
Today is Father’s Day. For me it is the saddest day of the year because I don’t have children. I see how happy my siblings are with their children – who are all grown now – I I hate to say that I am extremely jealous. Today is a very tough day for me.
Although I like kids, but I believe it is truly difficult nowadays for parents to raise a child with good moral values, educated…etc.etc. what we think a child should be based on our expectations. In a time, when children /teenagers are glued to social media, parents are realistically not responsible for how the child becomes in the end. Nurture by society becomes a big factor. Also truly speaking I believe humans are inherently selfish, more so teenagers. But in the end if your child is not successful in life, then 100% responsibility for not raising the child right falls on parents. Unfair! All those sacrifices to bring up a model citizen!
I agree with the author that some people particularly women decide to have children because it’s expected, or a symbol of self-fulfillment, or bring so called status among friends and family. Of course nature is also discriminating to women. As you grow older possibility of having a healthy baby gets smaller. So, many want to have children before they are unable to, thinking they might regret it later.
Honestly so many nuances, our emotions are always complex. But I truly believe we should only have children if we are prepared to deal with the reality of raising them. Not to save marriage, gain social recognition, gain happiness or to follow set social rules. Otherwise we will just give this earth another human burden.
Kids are King for some people, and that’s a good thing if they are raised in a healthy, balanced manner – My husband and I do not have kids, but we love ’em (mostly) and have (and still do) chipped in a lot with our sibling’s kids and neighbor kids,etc. Many have grown up now, and continue to come by and recreate with us.
The thing I notice though, is that many of the kids are so coddled and catered to, and are so spoiled and self-centered! I am a bit shocked at how thoughtless and selfish toward their parents some of these adult children have turned out! They have been given waaayyyy too much and it is rather horrifying to watch. They really do think they are Something Special….but sadly, not so much… Sigh*