Emotional blackmail involves manipulating someone through fear, obligation, and/or guilt.
They can use tactics including threats, guilt tripping, and conditional rewards.
To deal with a blackmailer, pause, reflect, and set boundaries.
Since becoming a psychologist, I’ve become acutely aware of how easily people fall into patterns of emotional blackmail, especially when the stakes are high.
Hasn’t each one of us felt guilty for not agreeing to and acting upon a request from a friend, colleague, or family member, even when that decision prioritizes what they want over our personal needs and self-care?
If that guilt came from what the other person said or did, the ask likely involved a degree of emotional blackmail. It happens because emotional blackmailers know which buttons to push and how much we value our relationship with them (Forward, 1997; Najem & Abbas, 2024).
This article defines emotional blackmail, identifies its causes, and reflects on how we can help our clients break the cycle.
Emotional blackmail (or emotional manipulation) can occur in multiple life domains and negatively impact the victim’s wellbeing and relationships (Kao, 2024; Najem & Abbas, 2024).
But what do we mean by emotional blackmail?
In her book Emotional Blackmail, Susan Forward (1997) highlights how such damaging relationships involve one person attempting to control another using their emotions.
Forward (1997, p. x) defines emotional blackmail as “a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish us if we don’t do what they want.”
For example, an emotional blackmailer might begin a sentence with “If you really loved me” or ask, “How can you be so selfish?” (Forward, 1997).
More recent research recognizes emotional blackmail in the workplace as involving controlling relationships between colleagues. One person manipulates the other to achieve a purpose or meet their demands, with the victim typically left feeling frustrated and suppressed (Kao, 2024).
Emotional blackmail can go beyond threats to include offers of rewards and suggestions of positive outcomes (Najem & Abbas, 2024).
Let’s consider a few examples (Forward, 1997).
Threats of retaliation: “I’ll make sure you never get to see the kids.”
Threats of self-harm: “If I do something to myself, it’s on your head.”
Guilt tripping: “How can you be so selfish?”
Playing the victim: “You have caused all of my suffering.”
Distorting reality: “I’m not hurting anyone. I’ve always put you first.”
Such emotional tricks may be linked with other harmful emotional disturbances in the blackmailer.
For example, narcissism. Blackmailers may have an inflated sense of self-importance combined with a lack of empathy, so they exploit others to ensure their needs are met (Forward, 1997).
When narcissists use Emotional Blackmail
Watch Ramani Durvasula’s “When Narcissists Use Emotional Blackmail” to better understand the connection between the two psychological concepts.
Insecurity can become another underlying factor. Emotional blackmailers often have low self-esteem and are interpersonally dependent. Coercive relationships develop in response to their need for control (Forward, 1997).
Equally, gaslighting is an extreme — and highly dangerous — form of emotional abuse. The abuser causes the victim to doubt their feelings, beliefs, experiences, and even their sanity (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.).
The following video explores the damage emotional manipulation can have on others.
Resisting emotional blackmail
Understanding How Emotional Extortion Works
Emotional extortion (a term often used interchangeably with emotional blackmail) involves an individual exploiting a victim’s emotional vulnerabilities to control their behavior (Forward, 1997).
Alongside the six stages of emotional blackmail described in the next section, we can understand emotional extortion by considering the victims’ response using the acronym FOG (Forward, 1997).
As Forward (1997, p. 49) describes it, “emotional blackmail flourishes in a fog that spreads just below the surface of our understanding, like a bank of clouds under a jet.”
Emotional extortion involves blackmailers intensifying the following in their victims (Forward, 1997):
Fear arises from the victim’s perceived threat of negative consequences.
Obligation refers to the pressure to respond in a certain way. It can mean the victim reciprocating or fulfilling the blackmailer’s expectations.
Guilt arises from the fear of hurting or disappointing the other person, despite their emotional blackmailing.
Overwhelmed by fear, obligation, and guilt, they comply with the blackmailer’s demands, failing to protect their own needs, values, and wellbeing.
Such emotions leave the victim unable to think clearly or protect their interests.
The cycle of blackmail repeats and strengthens, potentially increasing its likelihood, strength, and frequency in the future (Forward, 1997).
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6 stages of emotional blackmail
Forward (1997) outlines six stages that the emotional blackmailer and victim pass through:
Demand
The blackmailer makes a demand (or threat) or states an expectation. They may frame it in a way that creates a sense of pressure or urgency. It is often unreasonable and goes beyond or against the victim’s wishes.
Resistance
The victim expresses their resistance. Perhaps they show they are hesitant or disagree with the demand, trying to assert their boundaries. The blackmailer ignores them and is unwilling to compromise.
Pressure
The emotional blackmailer increases pressure and uses emotional manipulation and related tactics to (attempt to) push the victim into compliance, including guilt and fear.
Threats
The emotional blackmailer often uses implicit and explicit threats of self-harm and retaliation, guilt tripping, and “playing the victim” to wear down the remaining resistance.
Compliance
The victim may comply when faced with increasing pressure and concerns over refusal. They can experience reduced self-esteem and sense of autonomy and unknowingly give the blackmailer additional control and power.
Repetition
The abusive cycle continues. The blackmailer becomes increasingly confident in the success of their emotionally manipulative and coercive tactics.
4 Emotional Blackmail Examples & Types
Understanding the four distinct types of blackmailers when working with clients is vital (Forward, 1997).
Jo tells his wife, “If you go out tonight with your friends, I won’t be here when you get back!”
The ‘punisher’: Some blackmailers use direct threats and anger to achieve their goals and aims. In doing so, they rely on intimidation, forcing the victim to be compliant through fear of what they may lose. They make it clear that there will be negative consequences when demands are not met.
Sam has moved out but says to her mother, “If you don’t give me money, I’ll end up on the street, homeless.”
The ‘self-punisher’: Other blackmailers rely on the threat of harming themselves to increase guilt. It results in the other person feeling responsible — even accountable — for their wellbeing. The victim is left feeling obligated to go along with their demands to prevent the blackmailer from self-inflicting injury.
Ayato says to his friend, “No one ever helps me. I guess I’ll just have to struggle through everything on my own.”
The ‘sufferer’: Pain and suffering can be powerful tools for emotional manipulation. Emotional blackmailers may claim that their suffering can only be alleviated by the victim, who may meet their needs due to feelings of guilt and obligation at the cost of their own.
Jenan takes a team member to one side and says, “Help me complete this project, and I’ll help you get the promotion you deserve.”
The ‘tantalizer’: The emotional blackmailer often makes their love or kindness conditional — it becomes bait. They create hope in their victim while attaching conditions. It can be a particularly subtle approach that lures victims into compliance yet often leaves them disappointed and frustrated.
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What Drives Emotional Blackmail? 13+ Causes
The drivers behind and causes of emotional blackmail are varied and complex.
While blackmailers are often motivated by fear and desperation, stemming from deep-seated insecurities, they can also (Kao, 2024):
Experience low self-esteem
Have a strong need for control
Exhibit a low tolerance for frustration
Be skilled at exploiting victims’ vulnerabilities
See love as an obligation to meet their needs rather than a respectful, trusting, and shared bond
Emotional blackmailers often target vulnerabilities in victims. Blackmailers may even interpret them as causes for their behavior. Examples of such vulnerabilities may include (Forward, 1997):
Strong (or excessive) need for approval
Fear of conflict or anger
Need to prioritize peace at all costs
Increased levels of self-doubt
Excessive responsibility for others’ happiness
Concern over secrets being uncovered or shared
While research is lacking, there are other potential causes and drivers. The following have both been suggested as potential additional factors involved in emotional blackmail:
Clients with borderline personality disorder often have relationships that shift between the idealization and devaluation of others. This can lead to emotional manipulation and difficulty in forming stable and reciprocal relationships. Such individuals can also be emotionally reactive and volatile when encountering perceived rejections (Kuo et al., 2015).
Attachment styles can significantly impact the nature of future relationships. Studies suggest individuals with anxious or avoidant attachment styles experience a greater fear of rejection and are more likely to engage in destructive conflict and emotional coercion (Bonache et al., 2019).
How to Deal With Emotional Blackmail
The following steps offer a reliable and repeatable approach for your clients to deal with their emotional blackmailer (Forward, 1997):
1. Stop
Often, the victim reacts to their blackmailer without thinking. So, it’s vital to interrupt the blackmail transaction earlier on. Buying time with phrases such as the following can help:
“I can’t answer you right now, so I’m taking time to think this over.” “This is too important to decide quickly. Let me stop and think about it.” “I’m not willing to make that decision right now.”
2. Become an observer
Once detached from the immediate drama of the situation the blackmailer has created, the victim can gather information to decide how to respond.
During this time, the victim becomes an observer of themself, the blackmailer, and the situation.
Forward (1997) suggests a visualization exercise. The victim is encouraged to picture themself in an elevator car, rising up out of the fog, away from the heightened emotions to a place of clarity.
Next, the victim asks themself:
What is being asked for? How was the request made? How did the person react when they didn’t get what they wanted immediately?
It is vital to take some time to reflect on how they feel about the situation, potentially capturing thoughts on paper.
3. Make a decision
Having taken time out, the victim can decide whether to comply with the request or not based on their own needs and wants.
Compliance is not a defeat so long as the victim decides on what they are and are not willing to do. Equally, they can respond with conditions that must be met now or in the future or explain why this doesn’t work right now for them.
Such a decision should be presented without defensiveness, along with how it makes the victim feel. It can be combined with setting some clear boundaries and ground rules.
11 Relevant Worksheets
Emotional blackmailers (and even their victims) can be unclear on how to form and maintain healthy relationships. It is helpful to begin by letting clients recognize their own and others’ emotions and learn how to manage their behavior and reactions.
The following helpful worksheets explore how to identify and regulate emotions:
Emotional Footprint Exercise – Use this exercise to understand how our emotions impact others and what our ideal emotional footprint might look like.
Emotional Mental Models – This visualization tool can teach coping skills and support more healthy, appropriate behavior.
Understanding Emotion Versus Reason – Emotional responses can be instant and inappropriate. It is crucial to recognize how reason supports positive behavior, and this worksheet helps with discerning between the two.
Anxious Attachment Patterns – Understanding how and why we react as we do can uncover and improve our understanding of emotional triggers.
Checking Emotional Facts – Our emotions do not always correctly represent what happened. Use this exercise to take time to understand how other thoughts and assumptions can get in the way.
Shifting Codependency Patterns – Understanding thought and behavior patterns can be a practical way to act and recover from codependency.
4 Emotional Blackmail Quotes
While a great deal has been written about emotional blackmail, the following quotes are four of our favorites taken from Forward’s (1997) groundbreaking book.
Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish us if we don’t do what they want.
Forward, 1997, p. 4
Our blackmailers make it nearly impossible to see how they’re manipulating us at first, because they lay down a thick fog that obscures their actions.
Forward, 1997, p. 5
There’s no way of knowing how the other person will respond until you express your feelings and define the limits you need to set in your relationship.
Forward, 1997, p. 240
A wonderful sense of normalcy and balance returns when you are able to cut through the FOG and interrupt emotional bullying.
Forward, 1997, p. 277
17 Exercises for Positive, Fulfilling Relationships
Empower others with the skills to cultivate fulfilling, rewarding relationships and enhance their social wellbeing with these 17 Positive Relationships Exercises [PDF].
We have many resources available for therapists working with clients experiencing emotional damage as a blackmailer or victim.
Our free resources include:
Assertive communication – Assertiveness does not mean being aggressive. Learn several vital skills for more healthy communication.
Soothing Breath – Learning appropriate breathing techniques can help regulate bodily and behavioral responses to stress.
Recalling Being Yourself – Sometimes, we become lost in our relationships. This exercise soothes and calms the nervous system and restores a sense of self.
While blackmailers may be the ones who are lacking in confidence and self-esteem, they are often highly skilled in exploiting their victims’ emotional vulnerabilities (Forward, 1997).
Their demands may be unreasonable or even unacceptable. Driven by a wish to avoid conflict or anger, the victim may comply, attempting to keep the peace.
When the victim has given in once, the pattern or behavior is likely to repeat. The request may be similar or progress further. Emotional blackmailers increase the pressure until they get what they want.
Escaping emotional blackmail involves awareness and identification of how and when it happens.
Victims learn to identify inappropriate demands and take time out to observe the situation despite the increasing pressure to comply. The pause helps them choose how they wish to react — on their own terms (Forward, 1997).
Supporting your clients in breaking the cycle as blackmailers or victims involves becoming aware of what is happening, exploring alternative strategies, and applying the skills learned. Take time with them to explain and explore the nature of emotional blackmail and how the needs of both parties in any relationship are equally important.
Ongoing emotional and psychological abuse is a crime in many places around the world and can involve manipulation using threats, guilt tripping, and other coercive tactics (WomensLaw.org, 2021; The Crown Prosecution Service, 2023).
What are the signs of emotional blackmail?
We can recognize emotional blackmail by the unreasonable requests made by the blackmailer and the use of emotional coercion involving fear, obligation, or guilt to ensure the victim meets their demands (Forward, 1997).
How can I recognize if I unintentionally use emotional blackmail in my relationships?
If we engage in emotional manipulation in our relationships that puts our own needs before our partner’s, we may be relying on emotional blackmail (Forward, 1997).
References
Bonache, H., Gonzalez-Mendez, R., & Krahé, B. (2019). Adult attachment styles, destructive conflict resolution, and the experience of intimate partner violence. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 34(2), 287–309. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260516640776
Forward, S. (1997). Emotional blackmail. Bantam.
Kao, F.-H. (2024). Workplace emotional blackmail: conceptual clarification and development. Current Psychology (New Brunswick, N.J.), 43(30), 24809–24822. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-024-06172-5
Kuo, J. R., Khoury, J. E., Metcalfe, R., Fitzpatrick, S., & Goodwill, A. (2015). An examination of the relationship between childhood emotional abuse and borderline personality disorder features: The role of difficulties with emotion regulation. Child Abuse & Neglect, 39, 147–155. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2014.08.008
Najem, A. S., & Abbas, N. F. (2024). Emotional blackmail in breaking bad series: A pragma-stylistic study. Journal of Language Teaching and Research, 15(4), 1062–1071. https://doi.org/10.17507/jltr.1504.04
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). What is gaslighting? Retrieved October 28, 2024, from https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-gaslighting/
The Crown Prosecution Service. (2023, April 24). Controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship. Retrieved October 28, 2024, from https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship
WomensLaw.org. (2021, September 8). Emotional and psychological abuse. Retrieved October 28, 2024, from https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/emotional-and-psychological-abuse
About the author
Jeremy Sutton, Ph.D., is an experienced psychologist, coach, consultant, and psychology lecturer. He works with individuals and groups to promote resilience, mental toughness, strength-based coaching, emotional intelligence, wellbeing, and flourishing. Alongside teaching psychology at the University of Liverpool, he is an amateur endurance athlete who has completed numerous ultra-marathons and is an Ironman.
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What our readers think
Ejil
on February 14, 2023 at 07:40
Very informative article. EB destroys one’s mental health, do whatever it takes to get own selfish desires Always put ME first
An incredibly clear and concise article. I have been in many relationships and know that while I have problems maintaining relationships, and accept a large part of the responsibility in these instances, my most recent relationship only lasted three months, eleven weeks remotely, yet I knew something was wrong. I could not put my finger on it. I loved being with her, found her funny, admired many things about her, but I could not put my finger on the problem.
I ended the relationship and while I felt ‘better’ I also felt guilt and grief, as would be expected. As she texted and vacillated between anger and pleading, I saw a pattern that I had seen in my very first relationship, many decades ago.
I went online and read this article and saw not one, or two, but ALL of the traits described in her. I made it super clear that it was over. I blocked her texts. She sent a series of emails, the last one pleading that I look after her son – and she then attempted suicide.
I don’t know if she will survive.
Fortunately, because of this article, I can look at it objectively and not feel guilt. I am willing to help her son finish high school and get through university if he accepts it, but chances are he hates me above everything else.
Honestly, your article made me see there was only one way out for me, and I took it. Thank you for helping me manage it.
My partner fits the description as an emotional blackmailer. She gets repetitively demanding and aggressive when she wants me to give her what she wants-mainly money. She says she doesn’t force me, but if I say I feel she manipulates and threatens me, she has a tantrum and threatens to blackmail me. She will insert an arsenal of texts and messages she has collected and shows me she will execute these off to my family and friends. I had no idea that my sensitive information was being collected. She has spent months in the psychiatric hospital blaming her Islamic culture for all her pain, and habitually distorts well-meaning sharings as a comparison against her. She’s totally self centered. I don’t see any friends and she keeps her family segregated from me. How is it possible none of the doctors don’t see at least borderline disorder and explosive disorder? She broke a table in the hospital. She told me the doctors say she has panic anxiety disorder and depressive disorder. I would describe those two as symptoms for much bigger emotional turmoil. Is it possible she rejects what doctors have told her and thus refuses to apply any sound techniques? I do know her mother was extremely irrational and violent and my partner experienced severe violence and molestations by other relatives as a child. Her mother did fully recover and chose to get help. Is it possible she knows her anger is abnormal as she rarely admits and that she is “insane” but refuses to actively get help and staying in a hospital is a way to avoid herself? Is this common? I just never know what may trigger her and avoid saying or writing anything that remotely can be misconstrued. She’s full of anger, cannot seem to trust others, and is lonely. I’m surprised her parents have not recommended her go work with the very same therapist her mother had great success with. Or maybe she angrily refuses. Yet, she’s very instable emotionally. I do use the “I feel” phrases and “it is frustrating when you feel that way.” Other times, she begins to go off the handle swearing. I don’t swear. I mention many times, that swearing is abusive. What do the doctors in such cases actually say? Just “panic anxiety disorder” I doubt it. She contradicts herself and cannot regulate her emotions. Any advice? Any thoughts on why all the doctors don’t diagnose her truthfully or does she reject the diagnoses and select just mentioning the victim-sounding disorders? I just want to notarize an agreement with her to keep things strictly business, and urge her to get proper psychiatric help.
Nicole Celestine, Ph.D.
on August 17, 2022 at 04:04
Hi Anna,
I’m sorry to read that you are struggling with with your partner. In situations of abuse, the most important thing is to prioritize your own safety and wellbeing (and those of any dependents you may have). This means the best thing you can usually do is reach out for outside support. A therapist is usually a good first point of call, as they can also connect you to additional services.
You can find a directory of licensed therapists here (and note that you can change the country setting in the top-right corner). You’ll also find that there are a range of filters to help you drill down to the type of support you need (e.g., family/marital): https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
Hi my name is bella and am going through an emotional blackmail currently my ex has a sex video of me and was threatening to upload it buh then I told everyone myself about it,now he’s threatening to end my life and such and to be honest am really feeling suicidal
Nicole Celestine, Ph.D.
on April 17, 2022 at 04:07
Hi Bella,
If you are in immediate danger or fearful for your safety, call the emergency number in your respective country immediately. They will be able to provide support.
Further, if you are struggling with severe symptoms of depression or suicidal thoughts, please call the following number in your respective country:
USA: National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255;
UK: Samaritans hotline at 116 123;
The Netherlands: Netherlands Suicide Hotline at 09000767;
France: Suicide écoute at 01 45 39 40 00;
Australia: Lifeline at 13 11 14
Germany: Telefonseelsorge at 0800 111 0 111 for Protestants, 0800 111 0 222 for Catholics, and 0800 111 0 333 for children and youth.
For a list of other suicide prevention websites, phone numbers, and resources, see this website.
Please know that there are people out there who care and that there are treatments that can help.
trying to find answers myself at present. my 32 year old son, who is a drug addict, got heavily into crack, mixing with the traveller community. came to my home with a gun and a knife and informed me if i did not find him a substantial ammount of money which was supposedly his debt to the travellers, that i wold get my house burnt down. in panic i gave him the money and once he had left i informed the police who subsequently arrested him and he is now on remand pending trial in the new year. my problem is at present my emotional state, as i have to give evidence against him which i am really struggling with due to my deep emotional connection, knowing that if i cannot find the strength to testify he will be freed in the new year, i dread the thought. i am at present recieving letters from him trying to justify what he has done and in fact have him saying that no way was he blackmailing me, i know i need to find the strength to testify its just that i cannot seperate my love for him as a mum to the ones of doing what needs to be done and i am really struggling emotionallly and feel so alone. the problem i have is my feeling guilty that it will be down to my testifying that will put him away for a long period of time even though i tell myself he did the crime and should do the time im so anxious i cannot even think straight do you have any advice please
Nicole Celestine, Ph.D.
on November 16, 2021 at 06:47
Hi Pip,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling and my thoughts go out to you and your son.
I think the best thing you can do would be to find someone to help you work through this difficult time emotionally, such as a therapist. Psychology Today has a great directory you can use to find therapists in your local area. Usually, the therapists provide a summary in their profile with their areas of expertise and types of issues they are used to working with.
I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck.
What a depressing article! By no means I am denying such diabolical activity doesn’t exist but really? Devoting a frikkin 40 page thesis on this topic? No doubt some of you deserve this kind of people in your life as you are FIXATED on this topic. Jezuss…. get out. Get some fresh air. Go to a park. Get some sea breeze instead of focusing on the nefarious tome Volume XXII of human evil. Sheesh. Sure knowledge is weapon but you don’t have to be inundated with it. And you call this website “positive psychology”. Smeesh.
Also newsflash. ALL of us possess these type of behavior to an extent except narcs are the extreme example. Tell me.. name me.. name ONE single person in your life with whom you can spend 45 years and STILL not complaint about him or her.
Exactly. What you see in others… and four finger analogy or what not.
Came here for empowerment, left with bitter taste of doom and gloom. No doubt modern day psychiatry contributes to so much modern day misery!
My son is married to a woman who meets all the criteria outlined in your article. She has isolated him from his family and forced him to go no contact with me (his mother) and everyone in my family when she became physically abusive at 7 months pregnant. HE filed a police report at that time. She goes to extremes to ensure that no one in his family can even see a picture of the baby. Her identical twin is bi-polar as is her mother and grandmother. She is well educated and manipulative. I’ve now not spoken to my son for 2.5 years and a second child is born. I’m very concerned that he feels trapped in an abusive relationship. Her mother abused her dad and now lives 3 doors down from them. He told me before the cut-off that they move as a unit have no other friends and they are too strong for him to go against. Do I continue to keep my distance, send nice cards and emails here and there or is it time for me to try and have a face-to-face with my son and try and discern if he is really ok? I don’t want to fuss at him, I just want to be in their lives and be sure that he is ok. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Nicole Celestine, Ph.D.
on August 18, 2021 at 05:25
Hi Melissa,
I’m sorry to read about your concerns for your son — that sounds like an awful situation. If it is safe to do so, I think it would be good to gently reach out to check in (ideally face-to-face) to let him know that you care and want to help. You’ll find some good advice on how to have this conversation here. Likewise, you might suggest that he have a chat with a counselor or therapist to get some advice, or you might want to ensure your son is aware of the domestic abuse hotlines available in your country. All of these are ways you can help convey that you and others care and that there are people who can help him safely leave the abusive situation.
Since becoming a psychologist, I’ve become acutely aware of how easily people fall into patterns of emotional blackmail, especially when the stakes are high.
Understanding the four distinct types of blackmailers when working with clients is vital (Forward, 1997).
The following steps offer a reliable and repeatable approach for your clients to deal with their emotional blackmailer (Forward, 1997):
Emotional blackmailers (and even their victims) can be unclear on how to form and maintain 
What our readers think
Very informative article. EB destroys one’s mental health, do whatever it takes to get own selfish desires Always put ME first
An incredibly clear and concise article. I have been in many relationships and know that while I have problems maintaining relationships, and accept a large part of the responsibility in these instances, my most recent relationship only lasted three months, eleven weeks remotely, yet I knew something was wrong. I could not put my finger on it. I loved being with her, found her funny, admired many things about her, but I could not put my finger on the problem.
I ended the relationship and while I felt ‘better’ I also felt guilt and grief, as would be expected. As she texted and vacillated between anger and pleading, I saw a pattern that I had seen in my very first relationship, many decades ago.
I went online and read this article and saw not one, or two, but ALL of the traits described in her. I made it super clear that it was over. I blocked her texts. She sent a series of emails, the last one pleading that I look after her son – and she then attempted suicide.
I don’t know if she will survive.
Fortunately, because of this article, I can look at it objectively and not feel guilt. I am willing to help her son finish high school and get through university if he accepts it, but chances are he hates me above everything else.
Honestly, your article made me see there was only one way out for me, and I took it. Thank you for helping me manage it.
My partner fits the description as an emotional blackmailer. She gets repetitively demanding and aggressive when she wants me to give her what she wants-mainly money. She says she doesn’t force me, but if I say I feel she manipulates and threatens me, she has a tantrum and threatens to blackmail me. She will insert an arsenal of texts and messages she has collected and shows me she will execute these off to my family and friends. I had no idea that my sensitive information was being collected. She has spent months in the psychiatric hospital blaming her Islamic culture for all her pain, and habitually distorts well-meaning sharings as a comparison against her. She’s totally self centered. I don’t see any friends and she keeps her family segregated from me. How is it possible none of the doctors don’t see at least borderline disorder and explosive disorder? She broke a table in the hospital. She told me the doctors say she has panic anxiety disorder and depressive disorder. I would describe those two as symptoms for much bigger emotional turmoil. Is it possible she rejects what doctors have told her and thus refuses to apply any sound techniques? I do know her mother was extremely irrational and violent and my partner experienced severe violence and molestations by other relatives as a child. Her mother did fully recover and chose to get help. Is it possible she knows her anger is abnormal as she rarely admits and that she is “insane” but refuses to actively get help and staying in a hospital is a way to avoid herself? Is this common? I just never know what may trigger her and avoid saying or writing anything that remotely can be misconstrued. She’s full of anger, cannot seem to trust others, and is lonely. I’m surprised her parents have not recommended her go work with the very same therapist her mother had great success with. Or maybe she angrily refuses. Yet, she’s very instable emotionally. I do use the “I feel” phrases and “it is frustrating when you feel that way.” Other times, she begins to go off the handle swearing. I don’t swear. I mention many times, that swearing is abusive. What do the doctors in such cases actually say? Just “panic anxiety disorder” I doubt it. She contradicts herself and cannot regulate her emotions. Any advice? Any thoughts on why all the doctors don’t diagnose her truthfully or does she reject the diagnoses and select just mentioning the victim-sounding disorders? I just want to notarize an agreement with her to keep things strictly business, and urge her to get proper psychiatric help.
Hi Anna,
I’m sorry to read that you are struggling with with your partner. In situations of abuse, the most important thing is to prioritize your own safety and wellbeing (and those of any dependents you may have). This means the best thing you can usually do is reach out for outside support. A therapist is usually a good first point of call, as they can also connect you to additional services.
You can find a directory of licensed therapists here (and note that you can change the country setting in the top-right corner). You’ll also find that there are a range of filters to help you drill down to the type of support you need (e.g., family/marital): https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
I hope you find the help you need.
– Nicole | Community Manager
Hi my name is bella and am going through an emotional blackmail currently my ex has a sex video of me and was threatening to upload it buh then I told everyone myself about it,now he’s threatening to end my life and such and to be honest am really feeling suicidal
Hi Bella,
If you are in immediate danger or fearful for your safety, call the emergency number in your respective country immediately. They will be able to provide support.
Further, if you are struggling with severe symptoms of depression or suicidal thoughts, please call the following number in your respective country:
USA: National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255;
UK: Samaritans hotline at 116 123;
The Netherlands: Netherlands Suicide Hotline at 09000767;
France: Suicide écoute at 01 45 39 40 00;
Australia: Lifeline at 13 11 14
Germany: Telefonseelsorge at 0800 111 0 111 for Protestants, 0800 111 0 222 for Catholics, and 0800 111 0 333 for children and youth.
For a list of other suicide prevention websites, phone numbers, and resources, see this website.
Please know that there are people out there who care and that there are treatments that can help.
– Nicole | Community Manager
trying to find answers myself at present. my 32 year old son, who is a drug addict, got heavily into crack, mixing with the traveller community. came to my home with a gun and a knife and informed me if i did not find him a substantial ammount of money which was supposedly his debt to the travellers, that i wold get my house burnt down. in panic i gave him the money and once he had left i informed the police who subsequently arrested him and he is now on remand pending trial in the new year. my problem is at present my emotional state, as i have to give evidence against him which i am really struggling with due to my deep emotional connection, knowing that if i cannot find the strength to testify he will be freed in the new year, i dread the thought. i am at present recieving letters from him trying to justify what he has done and in fact have him saying that no way was he blackmailing me, i know i need to find the strength to testify its just that i cannot seperate my love for him as a mum to the ones of doing what needs to be done and i am really struggling emotionallly and feel so alone. the problem i have is my feeling guilty that it will be down to my testifying that will put him away for a long period of time even though i tell myself he did the crime and should do the time im so anxious i cannot even think straight do you have any advice please
Hi Pip,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling and my thoughts go out to you and your son.
I think the best thing you can do would be to find someone to help you work through this difficult time emotionally, such as a therapist. Psychology Today has a great directory you can use to find therapists in your local area. Usually, the therapists provide a summary in their profile with their areas of expertise and types of issues they are used to working with.
I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck.
– Nicole | Community Manager
What a depressing article! By no means I am denying such diabolical activity doesn’t exist but really? Devoting a frikkin 40 page thesis on this topic? No doubt some of you deserve this kind of people in your life as you are FIXATED on this topic. Jezuss…. get out. Get some fresh air. Go to a park. Get some sea breeze instead of focusing on the nefarious tome Volume XXII of human evil. Sheesh. Sure knowledge is weapon but you don’t have to be inundated with it. And you call this website “positive psychology”. Smeesh.
Also newsflash. ALL of us possess these type of behavior to an extent except narcs are the extreme example. Tell me.. name me.. name ONE single person in your life with whom you can spend 45 years and STILL not complaint about him or her.
Exactly. What you see in others… and four finger analogy or what not.
Came here for empowerment, left with bitter taste of doom and gloom. No doubt modern day psychiatry contributes to so much modern day misery!
My son is married to a woman who meets all the criteria outlined in your article. She has isolated him from his family and forced him to go no contact with me (his mother) and everyone in my family when she became physically abusive at 7 months pregnant. HE filed a police report at that time. She goes to extremes to ensure that no one in his family can even see a picture of the baby. Her identical twin is bi-polar as is her mother and grandmother. She is well educated and manipulative. I’ve now not spoken to my son for 2.5 years and a second child is born. I’m very concerned that he feels trapped in an abusive relationship. Her mother abused her dad and now lives 3 doors down from them. He told me before the cut-off that they move as a unit have no other friends and they are too strong for him to go against. Do I continue to keep my distance, send nice cards and emails here and there or is it time for me to try and have a face-to-face with my son and try and discern if he is really ok? I don’t want to fuss at him, I just want to be in their lives and be sure that he is ok. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Hi Melissa,
I’m sorry to read about your concerns for your son — that sounds like an awful situation. If it is safe to do so, I think it would be good to gently reach out to check in (ideally face-to-face) to let him know that you care and want to help. You’ll find some good advice on how to have this conversation here. Likewise, you might suggest that he have a chat with a counselor or therapist to get some advice, or you might want to ensure your son is aware of the domestic abuse hotlines available in your country. All of these are ways you can help convey that you and others care and that there are people who can help him safely leave the abusive situation.
I wish the best of luck for you and your son.
– Nicole | Community Manager