Signs You Might Depend on External Validation
Sometimes it’s hard to pick up on whether you’re finding it hard to be psychologically independent. Here are a few signs that this might be the case:
- Making decisions feels impossible without backup
You find it hard to commit to anything, even small decisions, until you’ve checked in with someone first.
- Conflict feels like the end of the world
Disagreeing with someone or knowing they’re upset with you may cause an extreme level of distress.
- You feel like you have to edit yourself constantly
You adjust your opinions, preferences, actions, or behaviors depending on who’s around you.
- Approval always feels like a huge relief
When a choice gets validated by others, it might finally feel like you can relax and be at peace.
- You frequently replay interactions looking for clues
After speaking with someone, you might analyze what was said, how they took it, and if you came across in the right way.
It’s important to note that none of these things is a sign that you’re “weak” or “broken” as a person. Difficulties with psychological independence might just mean that your sense of security has become tied up with others’ responses somewhere along the way—and this is something that can change.
4 Ways of Building Your Ability to Think, Act, and Decide for Yourself
Thankfully, practice can help you grow your sense of psychological independence in everyday interactions, shifting your center of gravity inward to self-actualization.
Here are four ways you can do this:
1. Take notice when seeking external validation
External validation is when we seek someone’s approval to feel confident or worthy. Before you ask for someone else’s opinion, pause and check in with yourself about whether you actually want their take on something or if you’re looking for permission.
There’s a difference, and learning to feel it can be an extremely useful step.
2. Practice making small decisions by yourself
Repetition and practice help to grow psychological independence. Start with some low-stakes choices, such as what to wear or how to spend an hour of free time, without asking anyone.
Let yourself sit with any discomfort you feel, noting what it’s like to tolerate not knowing whether someone else would have made a different choice or approved.
3. Think about your own values
Knowing what you stand for and what’s important to you can increase your sense of personal agency (Kim et al., 2025).
Check out these Value Clarification worksheets as a starting point for identifying what genuinely matters to you, separate from what you’ve been taught to want from others.
4. Work on tolerating disapproval in small doses
Disapproval can feel threatening when you’re not used to it. You can work on reducing these feelings through gradual exposure, such as saying what you actually think in a low-stakes discussion and working through the resulting feelings (Neoh et al., 2022).
In time, you can increase the level of risk as you feel more comfortable and confident.
A Take-Home Message
Psychological independence, practiced over time, can clear a path to living more authentically and making decisions based on your values instead of others’ expectations.
Each time you work on tolerating disapproval from someone, you’re getting closer to becoming the best version of yourself.
If psychological independence is something you want to work on more, learning how to trust your own judgment without becoming closed off to other people might be a natural next step.
Finding the balance between self-trust and avoidance of others can take its own kind of practice, but it’s well worth your time.
We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our five positive psychology tools for free.
Most of us know what it feels like to make a decision based on what someone else thinks.
If your sense of self-worth depends on what others think, your emotional state is tied to things you can’t control.
