How to Trust Yourself Again: 4 Tips
Learning how to trust yourself again takes time and doesn’t always follow a linear path. It’s normal to feel better some days and worse on others. So, it might help to think of self-trust less as a goal and more as something you practice.
1. Start with small decisions
Emotional abuse can make decision-making surprisingly difficult. So, start with low-stakes decisions, for example, What do you want to eat? Do you actually want to go out tonight? Which movie do you want to watch?
Notice if your mind immediately asks what you should choose or what someone else would prefer. Then gently bring your attention back to what you want.
2. Listen to your internal signals
It can be harder to trust your reactions after emotional abuse. You may notice that “I didn’t like that” is quickly followed by “Maybe I’m being too sensitive.”
Practice noticing your initial responses before trying to explain them away.
“That made me uncomfortable.”
“I enjoy spending time with this person.”
“I need some space.”
That doesn’t mean you have to act on every feeling or assume that your initial interpretation is always correct. It’s about treating your feelings as information worth considering and taking your own experiences seriously.
3. Keep small promises to yourself
Self-trust grows through evidence. For example, if you decide to leave a social event when you’re tired, follow through. If you’ve decided not to answer work messages in the evening, respect your own boundary.
Each time you listen to yourself, you’re reinforcing the idea that your needs and decisions matter.
4. Keep a decision journal
Sometimes our memories aren’t as reliable as we think, so keeping a diary can be helpful. Write down important decisions you’ve made, what informed them, and how they turned out. You could also note your initial interpretation, how your body felt, and any other internal signals.
We all make mistakes sometimes, and nobody always makes the right decisions. The aim here is to build evidence that you can think through things, cope when something doesn’t go according to plan, and make decisions independently. It may also show you what happens when you trust your intuition.
Rebuilding Self-Esteem After Emotional Abuse: 4 Starting Points
Self-esteem is about recognizing your own worth, which can become worn down when you’re repeatedly criticized, belittled, blamed, or made to feel inadequate.
Research continues to find associations between abuse and lower self-esteem (Taccini et al., 2024).
Rebuilding your self-esteem doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to believe you’re brilliant. It’s a process that can take time, just like rebuilding self-trust.
Reconnect with yourself
After emotional abuse, many people feel like a “shadow” of themselves or like they don’t know who they are anymore. It can be helpful to think about activities, interests, friendships, or goals you had before the relationship. Ask:
- What did you enjoy before this relationship?
- Which parts of yourself became quieter or smaller?
- What matters to you?
- When do you feel most like yourself?
Question the voice
When you notice harsh judgment from that internal critic, ask, “Where did I learn this about myself?”
Perhaps you were called selfish for setting a boundary or too sensitive for recognizing when something hurt. You don’t have to accept somebody else’s interpretation of you.
Create an evidence list
Positive affirmations work for some people, but they can feel unconvincing when your self-esteem is low. Instead, try collecting concrete evidence.
Write down things you’ve handled well, qualities you’ve shown, moments you’ve acted according to your values, or genuine compliments people have given you. For example:
“I asked for help when I needed it.”
“I gave my friend the space to talk today, and they appreciated it.”
“I set a boundary even though it felt uncomfortable.”
“Someone told me I was generous.”
Practice self-respect
When “love yourself” feels overused or out of reach, try self-respect instead.
Respecting yourself means looking after yourself by, for example, getting enough sleep, spending time with people who treat you well, saying no when you mean no, or pursuing something that’s meaningful to you.
Sometimes behaving as though you’re worthy of care comes before fully feeling it.
Self-compassion exercises may also help by reducing self-criticism and strengthening your capacity for self-soothing (Vidal & Soldevilla, 2023).
And don’t feel like you have to do it all by yourself. Supportive relationships, domestic abuse services, and therapy can provide opportunities to have your experiences taken seriously and practice trusting your own perspective again.
A Take-Home Message
Rebuilding your self-esteem after abuse and improving your self-trust doesn’t mean you always have to be confident and never doubt yourself again. That’s part of being human.
The important part is not letting your former partner’s treatment of you determine your worth or allowing their version of you to become your own.
Slowly but surely, you can heal and find your way back to yourself through small acts like questioning self-critical thoughts, making your own decisions, and setting boundaries.
What’s next?
Sometimes the scars left by emotional abuse runs far deeper than the scars from physical abuse. But healing is possible. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, look for these red flags.
Self-blame is a common reaction to having experienced abuse. You may ask, “Why did I stay?” “Why didn’t I see it sooner?” or “Why didn’t I stand up for myself?”
