What if your relationship patterns aren’t the problem, but something you needed to survive?
Myth: You can only heal your attachment style in relationships.
Truth: Healing starts within you, and you can start healing on your own, but the biggest shifts happen through new relational experiences.
If you feel stuck in the same relationship patterns, it’s easy to assume that this is just “how you are” or “how relationships are.”
While these patterns are often automatic, especially in moments of stress, they are shaped by experiences that can be updated with new ones.
These attachment styles aren’t fixed traits, and with a bit of intentional effort, you can learn new ways of relating.
Healing your attachment style isn’t about becoming perfect, but developing more awareness, flexibility, and compassion.
In this post, we’ll discuss how to heal your attachment style and feel more secure in relationships.
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According to attachment theory, how we behave and feel in relationships is often automatic because attachment styles are based on core beliefs formed in early life (Bowlby, 1982). But that doesn’t mean they can’t change.
Attachment styles are learned patterns, known as working models, that can be updated over time as you have new relational experiences and develop greater self-awareness. One such pattern is the anxious-avoidant loop, where people with opposing needs create an intense push-pull dynamic.
Research by Olufowote et al. (2020) shows that people can move toward what’s known as earned secure attachment. This can happen because the way our brain is wired can change throughout our lives. A concept known as neuroplasticity, it means we can learn new patterns of thinking and behaving with intentional effort (Demarin et al., 2014).
Over time, repeated experiences of safety, consistency, and emotional responsiveness can help reshape how you relate to yourself and others. But change doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t mean you’ll be perfectly secure all the time.
Through awareness, effort, and patience, your reactions can become more flexible, your emotions more manageable, and relationships more satisfying.
How to Heal Your Attachment Style While Single
You don’t have to be in a relationship to heal your attachment style because the attachment system is active in any close relationship you have.
Being single can offer a unique opportunity to build awareness and practice new ways of relating without the immediate relational triggers of a romantic relationship, which are often the most intense.
Here are a few tips for healing your attachment pattern when you’re single:
1. Education
Once you know your attachment style using attachment style tests, you can educate yourself about the patterns, triggers, and coping mechanisms associated with it.
2. Awareness
When you better understand attachment theory and your attachment style, you can develop awareness of your feelings and behaviors in relationships. While there are general patterns for each attachment style, the way you relate will be unique to you. You could keep a written journal of your experiences to help notice patterns.
3. Question your beliefs
Remember that your core beliefs and fears are based on experiences you had in life—they’re coping mechanisms that helped you survive. However, in the long term, these insecurities can undermine your quality of life and relationships.
Gently question your assumptions, like, “I’m better off alone” or “I’m not enough,” and allow for alternative interpretations. Over time, this can help you reshape your internal working models.
4. Understand the past
Understanding how early relationships shaped your attachment style in childhood can help you to stop judging yourself and provide more clarity about your triggers. You could ask:
How did people around me respond to my emotional needs when I was younger?
What did I learn about love, closeness, or conflict from my early relationships?
When I get triggered in relationships now, what does it remind me of from my past?
5. Healing anxious attachment
If you have a more anxious attachment style, healing your attachment pattern often involves learning how to soothe distress without immediately relying on other people’s reassurance. This could include learning to tolerate uncertainty and using grounding techniques, such as mindfulness or yoga, to help slow impulsive reactions.
6. Healing avoidant attachment
For someone with an avoidant attachment style, the work often involves increasing emotional awareness and tolerance. This can include noticing emotions before they’re suppressed and learning to name and articulate feelings. It can also be important to learn to stay present, rather than withdrawing, through practices such as mindfulness.
7. Taking responsibility
Shifting from blame to responsibility can be an important part of healing. While attachment insecurities are shaped by past experiences outside of your control, you can actively work on them now.
This also means recognizing that although others can influence how you feel, learning to understand and manage your emotional responses is empowering.
Much of the groundwork for healing your attachment style can and should be done individually, so the tips given above are relevant even if you’re in a relationship.
Romantic relationships are often where attachment patterns are most strongly activated (Simpson & Rholes, 2017), which also means they’re where the most significant change can happen. Here’s some advice for healing attachment insecurities in a relationship:
1. Corrective emotional experiences
One of the most effective strategies for change is relational experiences that challenge existing beliefs (Olufowote et al., 2020). For example, you expect that expressing a need will lead to rejection, but you’re met with understanding instead. Over time, repeated experiences like this can reshape expectations about relationships.
Spending time with a securely attached person—known as a surrogate secure attachment figure—can be the easiest way to have corrective emotional experiences (Olufowote et al., 2020).
If you’re in a relationship with an insecurely attached person, it’s still possible to have these corrective experiences, but it takes more work from both partners.
2. Change in real time
The most transformative aspect of healing is responding differently in the exact moments when your attachment system is activated. This will be different depending on your attachment style.
Anxious attachment
Pausing and grounding yourself before reacting or reaching out
Naming what you’re feeling instead of acting on it immediately
Expressing needs clearly and asking for what you need
Allowing space without immediately interpreting it as abandonment
Avoidant attachment
Staying in a conversation longer than feels comfortable
Sharing internal experiences rather than shutting down
Tolerating emotional intensity without withdrawing
Letting people know you need a moment instead of disappearing
Offering a small piece of vulnerability (e.g., “I’m not sure how to say this, but …”)
3. Communication
All the points above are only possible through honest, open communication, so learning to communicate with your partner is key. Secure functioning in relationships is about what is created between partners, not just internal regulation.
That means expressing needs clearly, being emotionally honest without blaming, and respecting both the need for closeness and space.
You can start by telling your partner how their behavior makes you feel. Here are some examples of what that might look like for each attachment style.
Anxious
When you go quiet, I assume you’ve stopped caring.
I feel safe when I try harder to reconnect with you.
When you say you need space, it feels like rejection.
I monitor your tone, facial expressions, and how long it takes you to text back.
I think that if we can just talk through it right now, I’ll feel safe again.
Avoidant
When things get intense, I need space to think.
I don’t know how to talk about my feelings without feeling trapped.
When you don’t give me space, it feels like control.
I shut down because I feel like I can never get it right.
I think if I can just end the conversation, I’ll feel safe again.
You can also express your needs in a calm and respectful way.
Anxious
When you let me know you just need a moment and that you’ll come back, I feel safe enough to give you space.
When you share what’s really going on, I feel I can relax and listen.
I don’t need constant reassurance; I need consistency.
Reach out to me, even with a small gesture, because it makes me feel safe enough to stop pushing so hard.
Avoidant
When you listen without pressure, I can find the words more easily.
Remind me you’re not angry, just hurt, so I feel safe to come closer.
I need space to process, so give me a little time.
Tell me what you’re feeling without assuming I have bad intentions.
Remember, healing doesn’t happen all at once, but gradually, through repeated practice. Together, you can create an environment where both partners feel safe enough to stay engaged, responsive, and emotionally available.
A Take-Home Message
Healing your attachment style is a progressive, intentional process. It’s not about becoming someone different, but developing the capacity to stay present, express needs clearly and calmly, and tolerate emotional distress.
It’s about learning to relate to yourself and others in a healthier, more stable, flexible, and ultimately, more secure way.
Remember: Security is a way of relating that you practice repeatedly, especially in moments of stress, emotional turmoil, or uncertainty.
How long does it take to heal your attachment style?
There’s no fixed timeline for changing your attachment style. It’s a gradual process that happens over time through repeated experiences, reflection, and intentional effort. Small shifts can happen relatively quickly for some people, while deeper change often takes months or even years.
Is therapy necessary to heal attachment patterns?
Therapy can be very helpful, but it’s not the only way to heal. Through self-reflection, education, and practicing new ways of relating in everyday interactions, you can develop greater security. However, a therapist can provide corrective emotional experiences, help you understand where your insecurities come from, and offer tools to manage them more effectively.
Olufowote, R. A. D., Fife, S. T., Schleiden, C., & Whiting, J. B. (2020). How can I become more secure? A grounded theory of earning secure attachment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 46(3), 489–506. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12409
Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 19–24. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006
About the author
Anna Drescher, is a mental health writer and editor with a background in psychology and psychotherapy. In addition to her writing and editorial work, Anna is a certified hypnotherapist and meditation teacher. She has extensive experience working within the mental health sector in various roles including support work, managing a service user involvement and coproduction project, and working as an assistant psychologist within the NHS in England.
If you feel stuck in the same relationship patterns, it’s easy to assume that this is just “how you are” or “how relationships are.”
You don’t have to be in a relationship to heal your attachment style because the attachment system is active in any close relationship you have.
