In the realm of human relationships, attachment styles shape our perceptions of intimacy and emotional fulfillment.
Anxious attachment style, a type of insecure attachment characterized by a relentless emotional hunger for connection, offers a lens through which we can explore the intricate dance between longing and fear within the realm of relationships.
As we navigate the complexities of attachment insecurities and traumas, we uncover not only the challenges they present, but also the potential for profound transformation and resilience (Winston & Chicot, 2016).
At the core of attachment theory lies the concept of attachment styles, patterns of relational behaviors and beliefs that are shaped by early interactions with primary caregivers.
According to John Bowlby’s (1973) attachment theory, the relationships that develop between infants and their primary caregivers have a profound impact on their psychological development and emotional wellbeing. This theory suggests that these early interactions shape the way individuals perceive and engage in relationships throughout their lives.
Central to attachment theory is the idea that the quality of attachment — whether secure or insecure — affects a person’s ability to form stable, healthy relationships, regulate emotions, and cope with stress (Ainsworth et al., 1978; Bowlby, 1973).
Within this framework, attachment styles reflect varying degrees of comfort with both closeness and distance, shaping our relational patterns and influencing how we navigate the complex terrain of human connection (Copley, 2023; Johnson, 2008).
The foundational experiences of attachment lay the groundwork for social, emotional, and cognitive development, influencing patterns of behavior and interpersonal dynamics well into adulthood.
3 Insecure Attachment Styles
Within the realm of insecure attachment, three distinct styles emerge, each characterized by unique patterns of behavior and relational dynamics (Ainsworth et al., 1978).
These styles are not simply behaviors; they’re reflections of early relational dynamics and unmet needs, shaping how individuals navigate intimacy and connection throughout their lives (Ahnert, 2021; Firestone, 2018).
Anxious preoccupied attachment
Also known as anxious-ambivalent or simply “anxious attachment style,” anxious-preoccupied attachment manifests as an intense need for constant reassurance and validation from others, stemming from early experiences of inconsistent caregiving and emotional hunger.
Children raised in environments where caregivers were unpredictable in their responsiveness or emotionally unavailable may internalize a deep-seated fear of abandonment and rejection.
In childhood, individuals with this attachment style may exhibit clingy behavior, constantly seeking attention and approval from caregivers.
In adult relationships, they may become overly dependent on their partners for validation and reassurance, often feeling overwhelmed by fears of rejection and exhibiting jealousy or possessiveness.
Avoidant dismissive attachment
Formed in response to emotionally distant or unavailable caregivers, this insecure attachment style is characterized by a reluctance to rely on others and a tendency to prioritize independence.
Individuals with avoidant-dismissive attachment typically grew up in environments where caregivers were emotionally distant or unresponsive to their needs, leading them to develop a coping mechanism of self-reliance.
During childhood, these individuals may have learned to suppress their emotions and prioritize autonomy, often avoiding seeking comfort or closeness from caregivers. In adult relationships, they may maintain emotional distance and downplay the importance of intimacy, preferring to keep others at arm’s length to protect themselves from potential hurt or rejection.
Fearful avoidant attachment
Also known as disorganized attachment, fearful-avoidant attachment combines elements of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles, resulting in a complex and often contradictory pattern of behaviors in relationships.
Stemming from early experiences of trauma or abuse, individuals with fearful-avoidant attachment may struggle with intense desires for closeness and intimacy, along with a deep-seated fear of vulnerability and betrayal.
During childhood, they may have experienced inconsistent caregiving or traumatic events that left them feeling unsafe and insecure in their relationships.
As adults, they may vacillate between seeking emotional connection and withdrawing from intimacy, grappling with conflicting needs for both security and autonomy.
This attachment style often manifests as unpredictable behavior in relationships, with individuals oscillating between moments of intense emotional expression and periods of emotional detachment as they strive to navigate the complex terrain of intimacy and trust.
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Understanding Anxious Attachment Style & Its Causes
For the purpose of this article, we will give specific focus to exploring the anxious attachment style. Due to inconsistent care during infancy, this type of insecure attachment style in children is characterized by persistent fears of separation and a strong need for reassurance from caregivers.
Early experiences, such as caregivers inconsistently responding to crying, shape children’s expectations of relationships, fostering anxiety and hypervigilance to maintain connection (Bowlby, 1973).
Parental neglect, trauma, and family stress also contribute to an anxious attachment style (Ahnert, 2021). Children who experience childhood neglect or emotional abuse often seek constant validation due to feelings of unworthiness, which stem from these adverse early experiences.
Exposure to familial discord or trauma further heightens their anxiety and insecurity, compounding their attachment issues.
Caregivers with unresolved attachment issues can inadvertently transmit their anxieties to their children, perpetuating insecure attachment across generations (Ahnert, 2021). This transmission occurs through behaviors such as inconsistency in emotional availability, overprotection, or excessive control, which reflect the caregivers’ own attachment anxieties.
Ultimately, these early disruptions hinder the development of trust and security, leaving children vulnerable to anxiety and insecurity in relationships (Thompson et al., 2022).
Without consistent and reliable emotional support, children with an anxious attachment style grow up with a pervasive fear of abandonment and a deep-seated need for constant reassurance, impacting their ability to form healthy, secure relationships in adulthood.
Anxious Attachment Triggers
Anxious attachment triggers, impacting relationships across the lifespan, are rooted in early experiences and persist into adulthood (Allen, 2021).
Individuals with an anxious attachment style often encounter several triggers in their daily lives that can evoke feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and fear of abandonment (Firestone, 2018; Johnson, 2008; Levine & Heller, 2010).
Here are some major triggers:
Inconsistent communication
Receiving mixed signals or inconsistent responses from partners can trigger anxiety. Anxiously attached individuals may interpret delayed responses or changes in communication patterns as signs of potential rejection or abandonment.
Perceived rejection
Situations where they feel ignored, dismissed, or unimportant can be highly triggering. This includes moments when their partner seems disinterested, preoccupied, or emotionally distant.
Fear of abandonment
Any hint or suggestion that a relationship may end can trigger intense anxiety. Breakups, threats of separation, or even casual remarks about ending the relationship can make this worse.
Lack of reassurance
Anxiously attached individuals often need constant reassurance of their partner’s love and commitment. A lack of verbal affirmations or physical affection can lead to feelings of insecurity.
Conflict and arguments
Disagreements or conflicts in a relationship can be particularly distressing. Anxiously attached individuals may fear that arguments will lead to the end of the relationship.
Jealousy and comparisons
Seeing their partner interact closely with others, especially potential romantic rivals, can trigger feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Comparisons to others, whether in terms of appearance, success, or affection, can also be triggering.
Emotional unavailability
Partners who are emotionally unavailable or who struggle to express their feelings can make anxiously attached individuals feel unloved and unimportant.
Physical distance
Long periods of physical separation, such as long-distance relationships or frequent travel, can increase anxiety about the stability and security of the relationship.
Ambiguity and uncertainty
Situations where the status of the relationship is unclear, such as undefined relationship boundaries or a lack of commitment, can cause significant anxiety.
In the complex arena of romantic relationships, adults with an anxious attachment style often unconsciously play out their attachment traumas, influenced by deeply ingrained patterns and fears (Arriaga & Kumashiro, 2021).
For individuals grappling with a fear of distance and separation, there exists a constant sense of urgency and emotional hunger for connection with their partner (Copley, 2023). This fear manifests in behaviors such as incessant texting, needing constant reassurance of the relationship’s stability, and experiencing overwhelming anxiety when physically apart.
At the core of anxious attachment dynamics lie profound issues of emotional vulnerability, trust, safety, and intimacy (Copley, 2023). For individuals with an anxious attachment style, navigating the delicate balance between opening up to their partner and guarding against potential harm can feel like an insurmountable challenge.
The vulnerability inherent in intimate relationships can trigger deep-seated fears of betrayal or abandonment, leading to a hesitancy to fully disclose one’s innermost thoughts and feelings (Johnson, 2019).
Consequently, building trust becomes an arduous task as past relational wounds continue to cast a shadow over present interactions. Without a foundation of trust and safety, genuine intimacy becomes elusive, perpetuating a cycle of relational strife and emotional distance (Firestone, 2018).
For more on the fears of the anxious attachment client, we recommend this video.
Why the Anxious Attachment Style Fears Intimacy
10 Ways to Overcome Anxious Attachment Style
Embarking on the journey to overcome anxious attachment styles and heal attachment traumas is a transformative endeavor that requires a comprehensive and nuanced approach.
By recognizing the complex interplay of emotions, behaviors, and relational patterns involved, therapists should consider a multifaceted exploration of healing, drawing upon a diverse array of strategies and techniques to foster growth, resilience, and secure attachment in their clients (Winston & Chicot, 2016).
Research and literature have identified the following ways to begin treating anxious attachment styles (Ainsworth et al., 1978; Bowlby, 1973; Chen, 2019; Gibson, 2020).
1. Acceptance & commitment
Embracing acceptance involves acknowledging one’s anxious attachment patterns without judgment and fostering self-compassion and understanding.
Commitment entails dedicating oneself to the process of growth and healing attachment anxiety, recognizing that this journey requires patience and perseverance.
2. Mindfulness
Cultivating mindfulness allows individuals with an anxious attachment style to develop a deeper awareness of their thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations in the present moment.
By practicing mindfulness techniques such as meditation and breathwork, individuals can gain insight into their attachment triggers and enhance their ability to self-regulate in relationships.
3. Emotion regulation
Developing effective emotion regulation skills is crucial for managing the intense emotional responses triggered by attachment anxiety.
Techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and cognitive reframing empower individuals to navigate relational challenges with composure and resilience.
4. Resilience
Building resilience involves developing the capacity to bounce back from adversity and setbacks in relationships.
By fostering a growth mindset and cultivating self-efficacy, individuals with an anxious attachment style can develop resilience, allowing them to emerge stronger and more secure in their relationships.
5. Self-compassion
Practicing self-compassion involves extending kindness, understanding, and forgiveness to oneself during moments of vulnerability and insecurity.
By cultivating a sense of self-worth and self-acceptance, individuals can soothe their attachment anxiety and foster a more secure sense of self in relationships.
6. Gratitude
Cultivating gratitude involves recognizing and appreciating the positive aspects of oneself and one’s relationships.
By focusing on moments of connection, joy, and kindness, individuals can shift their perspective away from negativity bias and deepen their sense of connection and fulfillment in their relationships.
7. Interpersonal skill development
Building strong interpersonal skills, such as effective communication, boundary setting, and conflict resolution, can empower individuals to navigate relationships more confidently and assertively.
Workshops, books, or online resources focused on interpersonal effectiveness can provide valuable tools and strategies for improving relationship dynamics.
8. Social skills and support networks
Cultivating supportive relationships with friends, family members, or support groups can provide invaluable emotional support and validation and improve social skills.
Connecting with others who have similar experiences can foster a sense of belonging and understanding, reducing feelings of isolation and attachment anxiety.
9. Attachment-focused exercises
Engaging in attachment-focused exercises or activities can deepen self-awareness and facilitate healing.
Journaling prompts, visualization exercises, or reflective practices can help individuals explore their attachment history, identify patterns, and cultivate insight into their relational dynamics.
10. Self-exploration and identity development
Investing time and energy in self-exploration and identity development can be instrumental in overcoming an anxious attachment style.
Engaging in activities such as journaling, creative expression, or self-reflection can foster a deeper understanding of oneself, leading to increased self-confidence and resilience in relationships.
How Anxious Attachments Can Be a Strength
While insecure attachments may initially be perceived as sources of weakness (Sagone et al., 2023), they possess the potential to cultivate profound strengths and resilience when approached through the framework of post-traumatic growth and positive psychology (Copley, 2023).
Individuals who have weathered attachment traumas often emerge with a deep well of empathy, understanding, and compassion, honed through their own experiences of emotional pain and relational turmoil (Tedeschi & Moore, 2016).
This heightened sensitivity to the nuances of human suffering enables them to forge authentic connections and offer invaluable support to others navigating similar challenges.
Moreover, the journey of surviving attachment traumas fosters profound inner strength and resilience, instilling individuals with a sense of tenacity and determination that empowers them to confront adversity with courage and grace.
According to experts (Copley, 2023; Rashid & Seligman, 2018; Tedeschi & Moore, 2016), newly discovered strengths may include:
Resilience and adaptability
Having weathered attachment traumas, individuals develop remarkable resilience and adaptability, enabling them to navigate life’s challenges with greater ease and flexibility.
Personal growth
The process of healing from attachment wounds often leads to profound personal growth as individuals gain insight into themselves and cultivate greater self-awareness and self-compassion.
Appreciation for authentic connection
Surviving attachment trauma fosters a deep appreciation for authentic connection and intimacy, leading individuals to prioritize genuine relationships built on trust, respect, and mutual understanding.
Empathy, compassion, and kindness
Having experienced their own pain, individuals with an anxious attachment style often exhibit heightened levels of compassion and kindness toward themselves and others, fostering a culture of empathy and support in their relationships.
Emotional intelligence
The journey of healing from attachment traumas enhances emotional intelligence and communication skills, equipping individuals with the tools to navigate complex emotions and interpersonal dynamics with greater ease and effectiveness.
Awareness of needs and boundaries
Through their experiences, individuals develop a heightened awareness of their own needs and boundaries, leading to healthier, more balanced relationships grounded in mutual respect and understanding.
Finding meaning and purpose
Attachment traumas can catalyze a search for meaning and purpose in life, inspiring individuals to find strength and resilience in adversity and cultivate a sense of purpose in supporting others on their journeys of healing and growth.
17 Exercises for Positive, Fulfilling Relationships
Empower others with the skills to cultivate fulfilling, rewarding relationships and enhance their social wellbeing with these 17 Positive Relationships Exercises [PDF].
Attachment Styles in Therapy: Worksheets & Handouts is an exceptional supplementary article that provides helpful handouts designed to deepen understanding and facilitate exploration of attachment styles.
Anxious Attachment Patterns is a tool to uncover and understand anxious attachment patterns within relationships to delve deeper into uncomfortable experiences and identify recurring patterns that may stem from an anxious attachment style.
Understanding Your Anxiety and Triggers is a worksheet designed to help individuals identify specific triggers that provoke anxious responses, particularly during interoceptive exposure therapy.
Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns includes prompts for individuals to reflect on negative behaviors within their relationships and devise strategies to address and prevent them in the future.
The journey of healing from an anxious attachment style is not merely a process of overcoming adversity; it is an opportunity for profound growth and transformation.
Through the lens of positive psychology and post-traumatic growth, individuals can reframe their attachment challenges as sources of strength and resilience, cultivating empathy, compassion, and inner fortitude along the way.
By embracing their experiences as catalysts for personal growth and connection, individuals can forge deeper relationships, foster greater self-awareness and resilience, and find meaning and purpose in their journey toward healing.
How can you tell if someone is anxiously attached?
An individual with anxious attachment often exhibits signs of needing constant reassurance and validation, has a fear of abandonment, and may become overly dependent on their partner. They might frequently seek closeness and become distressed when they perceive any form of distance or separation.
How do you break anxious attachment?
Breaking anxious attachment involves building self-awareness and self-esteem, practicing self-soothing techniques, and establishing a secure sense of self. Therapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or attachment-based therapy, can be very beneficial. Developing healthy communication skills and setting boundaries in relationships also helps.
What makes anxious attachment worse?
Anxious attachment can be exacerbated by inconsistent or unresponsive partners, stressful life events, and unresolved past traumas. Lack of clear communication and unpredictable behavior in relationships can also heighten anxiety and insecurity.
How do you rewire anxious attachment?
Rewiring anxious attachment requires consistent self-reflection and therapeutic intervention. Mindfulness practices, self-compassion exercises, and gradually facing and processing fears of abandonment are essential. Building healthy relationships with reliable and supportive individuals can also help reinforce a more secure attachment style.
How do people with attachment issues act?
People with attachment issues may display a range of behaviors, from clinginess and dependency to avoidance and detachment. They might struggle with trust, have difficulties in forming or maintaining relationships, and exhibit intense emotional reactions to perceived threats of separation or rejection.
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the Strange Situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203758045
Allen, J. P. (2021). Beyond stability: Toward understanding the development of attachment beyond childhood. In R. A. Thompson, J. A. Simpson, & L. J. Berlin (Eds.), Attachment: The fundamental questions (pp. 161–168). Guilford Press.
Arriaga, X. B., & Kumashiro, M. (2021). Change in adult attachment insecurity from an interdependence theory perspective. In R. A. Thompson, J. A. Simpson, & L. J. Berlin (Eds.), Attachment: The fundamental questions (pp. 176–184). Guilford Press.
Bowlby, J. (1973). Attachment and loss: Volume 2: Anger and anxiety. Hogarth Press.
Chen, A. (2019). The attachment theory workbook: Powerful tools to promote understanding, increase stability & build lasting relationships. Althea Press.
Copley, L. A. (2023). Loving you is hurting me: A new approach to healing trauma bonds and creating authentic connection. Hachette. https://www.amazon.co.za/dp/1538741407/
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press. https://www.amazon.co.za/dp/146253824X/
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find – and keep – love. TarcherPerigee. https://www.amazon.co.za/dp/1585429139/
Sagone, E., Commodari, E., Indiana, M. L., & La Rosa, V. L. (2023). Exploring the association between attachment style, psychological well-being, and relationship status in young adults and adults—A cross-sectional study. European Journal of Investigative Health Psychology and Education, 13(3), 525–539. https://doi.org/10.3390/ejihpe13030040
Tedeschi, R. G., & Moore, B. A. (2016). The posttraumatic growth workbook: Coming through trauma wiser, stronger, and more resilient. New Harbinger. https://www.amazon.co.za/dp/1626254680/
Thompson, R. A., Simpson, J. A., & Berlin, L. J. (2022). Taking perspective on attachment theory and research: Nine fundamental questions. Attachment & Human Development, 24(5), 543–560. https://doi.org/10.1080/14616734.2022.2030132
Winston, R., & Chicot, R. (2016). The importance of early bonding on the long-term mental health and resilience of children. London Journal of Primary Care, 8(1), 12–14. https://doi.org/10.1080/17571472.2015.1133012
About the author
Laura Copley, Ph.D. offers her insight on healing complex trauma as a therapist, podcast host of "Tough Love with Dr. Laura Copley", and at speaking engagements around the world. Recently, she released her first book called "Loving You is Hurting Me," a self-improvement book on trauma bonding that blends storytelling, psychoeducation, and powerful activities and strategies that lead to Post-Traumatic Growth.
In the realm of human relationships, attachment styles shape our perceptions of intimacy and emotional fulfillment.
Within the realm of insecure attachment, three distinct styles emerge, each characterized by unique patterns of behavior and relational dynamics (Ainsworth et al., 1978).
Anxious attachment triggers, impacting relationships across the lifespan, are rooted in early experiences and persist into adulthood (Allen, 2021).
While insecure attachments may initially be perceived as sources of weakness (Sagone et al., 2023), they possess the potential to cultivate profound strengths and resilience when approached through the framework of 
