Overcoming Trauma Bonding: 8 Strategies & Exercises

A young woman tries to save her father from a monster in a castle by sacrificing herself as a captive instead. She becomes his prisoner. He isolates her from the outside world and all of her friends and family.

Despite his fits of rage and violence, the captive and captor fall in love. Her love for the monster “saves” him, and he changes, becoming the man of her dreams.

Beauty and the Beast is one among a sea of stories that glamorize the trauma-bonded relationship. Heathcliff and Catherine, the Phantom and Christine, Edward and Bella — toxic relationships command our attention.

While intellectually we understand the abuse embedded in these relationships, even we as viewers or readers are intoxicated by twisted stories like these. There is something addictive and stimulating about a toxic dance with the dark triad.

The stories tell us we can change these monsters and bad boys. But the reality of the trauma bond is far less glamorous. Let’s shed some light on trauma bonding in real life.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Resilience Exercises for free. These engaging, science-based exercises will help you effectively deal with difficult circumstances and give you the tools to improve the resilience of your clients, students, or employees.

Shedding Light on Trauma Bonding

Let’s begin by exploring the question, “what is trauma bonding?” Sometimes referred to as codependency, narcissistic abuse, toxic relationships, and more, trauma bonding has been studied for decades.

What do we know about these types of attachments in adulthood? First and foremost, we know they represent complex emotional states between two individuals, where patterns of enmeshment, painful ruptures and isolation, manipulation, and intermittent reinforcement are present (Dutton & Painter, 1981).

The emotional turmoil of this relationship becomes highly addictive, often causing one individual to be powerless and the other to have more control in the relationship.

It is important for therapists to recognize that trauma bonding exists on a continuum and can take various forms (Copley, 2023).

In our therapy room, we can see this manifest as mild dysfunctional behaviors triggered by childhood attachment wounds (Saunders, 1999) or extreme abusive dynamics causing harm to a victim. Understanding this continuum is crucial for us as therapists because it requires a nuanced approach to determine the nature and severity of the bond, and ultimately if it can be treated (Dokkedahl et al., 2019).

With that said, let’s look at trauma bonding from a relational perspective and how early attachment trauma plays a role in the severity and ways it manifests. We will give most of our attention to more dangerous manifestations of trauma bonding, signs, and red flags to look out for, and what to do about it as therapists.

6 signs & examples

Some of our clients might form trauma bonds in their relationships due to deep-seated insecurities and past traumas that manifest in current relationships (Waikamp et al., 2021).

For example, if you are engaged in couples therapy, you might uncover that one client was raised in a chaotic childhood home. Maybe they were constantly afraid and made to feel weak or inferior and developed a defense mechanism that helped them detach from their emotions and the overwhelm of their environment.

As a means to survive, they began focusing on themselves and what they could control. As an adult, they may micromanage their relationships, struggle to connect with their partner, and struggle to understand their partner’s vulnerable expressions. This can feel invalidating (and infuriating) to their partner.

In extreme cases, however, the increased focus on self, lack of empathy, inability to connect, need for external validation of worth, and total disregard for other living beings can lead an individual to engage in psychologically abusive and physically dangerous behaviors including shaming, belittling, manipulating, and humiliating another (Effiong et al., 2022).

If we as therapists are working with someone with signs and symptoms of insecure, controlling, and reactive tendencies, we need to be able to identify the differences in severity, intention, and harm to ensure we are approaching treatment appropriately. After all, working with someone with malicious intent is different from working with an attachment trauma survivor with control issues.

Ramani Durvasula (2023), a leading expert on abusive relationships and narcissism, highlights six signs to watch for in therapy to determine if abuse may be present. Whether you are working with a couple, an individual who is demonstrating these behaviors, or a victim who is reporting it, here are red flags to look for:

1. Patterns that diminish and devalue
   An abuser engages in continuous and extreme dismissiveness, invalidation, minimization, manipulation, entitlement, and rage or reactivity. These behaviors erode their victim’s self-esteem and sense of reality, making them feel worthless and powerless.
2. Gaslighting
   The victim is made to question their own reality, memories, and perceptions. This tactic involves denying past events, twisting facts, and insisting that their victim’s recollections are incorrect, causing them to doubt their sanity and become more reliant on the abuser’s version of reality.
3. Domination
   Excessive control is exerted over the victim’s actions, decisions, and interactions. This can include monitoring their movements, dictating who they can see, controlling finances, and making unilateral decisions that disregard the victim’s autonomy and preferences.
4. Disagreeableness
   The abuser is consistently uncooperative, argumentative, and hostile. They may create conflict, dismiss their victim’s opinions, and refuse to compromise. This constant negativity can wear down their victim’s resolve and self-worth, making them more susceptible to manipulation.
5. Betrayal
   The abuser frequently breaks trust by lying, cheating, or breaking promises. This pattern of betrayal undermines their victim’s ability to trust themselves and others, leading to increased dependency on the abuser for emotional stability and validation.
6. Deprivation
   Affection, support, or basic needs are withheld as a form of punishment or control. This deprivation can be emotional, such as withholding love or validation, or physical, such as restricting access to money, food, or health care. This tactic keeps their victim in a state of constant need and dependence on the abuser for basic sustenance and emotional fulfillment.

Stockholm Syndrome vs. Trauma Bonding

As mentioned above, trauma bonding can come in many forms. For example, Stockholm syndrome arises in dangerous and abusive hostage situations, where captives form an intense emotional bond with their captors as a survival strategy.

Survivors of Stockholm syndrome report developing positive feelings toward their captors despite the threat to their lives (Graham et al., 1995).

If you find yourself providing therapy to a survivor of Stockholm syndrome, you may notice the conflicting and confusing thoughts and emotions your client has about their hostage experience.

They may talk about feelings of sympathy, affection, or loyalty toward their captors, despite the fear they endured. You may hear them talk about feeling gratitude for small acts of kindness shown by their captors after experiencing severe deprivation.

The emotional aftermath survivors struggle with can include challenges reintegrating into normal life, dealing with trauma symptoms, and processing the psychological impact of their ordeal.

Stockholm syndrome is a form of trauma bonding. However, while both involve a paradoxical attachment to a source of harm and fear, trauma bonding is more commonly rooted in repeated abusive interactions (Dutton & Painter, 1981), whereas Stockholm syndrome emerges from acute, life-threatening captivity (Graham et al., 1995).

The 7 Stages of the Trauma-Bonding Cycle

Trauma bonding occurs in distinct stages. These stages can occur in various extremes. If you work with individuals or couples in your practice who experienced abusive trauma bonds, you might recognize these following stages in more severe ways as they talk about their experiences (Laub, 2024).

1. Love bombing

In this initial stage, the abuser showers their partner with excessive admiration, attention, and/or gifts. This overwhelming affection can be disorienting and creates a rapid, deep attachment to the abuser.

2. Trust and dependency

The abuser builds trust by appearing attentive and reliable. Unfortunately, they are simultaneously fostering dependency by isolating the victim from other support systems.

3. Criticism

The abuser starts to devalue the victim through accusations, name calling, and humiliation. This change is confusing and shocking to the victim. It makes them question their worth and reality. It also makes them eager and desperate to please and earn love and attention back from their abuser.

4. Manipulation and gaslighting

Emotional abuse worsens with intensified manipulation and gaslighting. Victims are left doubting their perceptions and memories of events. The abuser may blame the victim, deny their actions, minimize abusive behavior, isolate the victim, and exert control over various aspects of their life.

5. Resignation and giving up

The victim begins to comply with the abuser’s demands to avoid further conflict. This stage often involves “fawning” or people-pleasing behavior to maintain safety and peace, despite recognizing the abuse.

6. Loss of self

The victim becomes so dependent on the abuser that they lose their sense of identity. Isolation and emotional manipulation lead to severe mental health issues, such as a sense of hopelessness and depression.

7. Addiction to the cycle

The cycle of abuse and intermittent affection creates a highly intoxicating and addictive pattern. The abuser’s periodic love bombing renews the attachment, which makes it increasingly difficult for the victim to leave.

Recognizing these stages is crucial for understanding the dynamics of trauma bonding and seeking appropriate help. A victim doesn’t have to stay in cycles of abuse; support is available.

The Role of Narcissism in Trauma Bonding

You may begin to notice as you work more with trauma-bonded individuals that narcissism plays a significant role in trauma bonding. Why is this?

A trauma bond requires a dynamic of control and defeat, causing an imbalance of power. That is how the cycle repeats itself and fuels itself.

One partner’s dominant control and self-centered behavior devalues the other, who must work hard to earn affection back (Durvasula, 2024).

It is important to distinguish between traits of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). This distinction is often overlooked in popular psychology, where anyone in the “controller” position is labeled as a narcissist.

Such labeling is a disservice to our clients, who may be willing and able to receive treatment. Traits of narcissism include behaviors such as difficulty with empathy, excessive need for admiration, and needing others to prioritize them (Durvasula, 2024). While these traits can contribute to the creation of trauma bonds, they do not necessarily indicate a full-blown NPD diagnosis.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a severe and persistent pattern of behavior that significantly impairs the individual’s ability to function in relationships and other areas of life. People with this diagnosis lack the ability to self-reflect, possess empathy for others, or take responsibility for their role in a problem (Copley, 2023).

Both narcissistic traits and NPD play roles in trauma bonding. Individuals with narcissistic traits may still create harmful, controlling dynamics in their relationships, leading to trauma bonds even without a formal diagnosis of NPD. The key element is the pattern of manipulation and control that keeps the victim trapped in a cycle of dependency and abuse (Durvasula, 2024).

Understanding the distinction between traits and disorder helps in recognizing the spectrum of narcissistic behavior and its impact on trauma bonding. This helps in guiding appropriate interventions in your therapy.

For more on Durvasula’s work, we recommend her video Trauma bonding and self-blame in narcissistic relationships.

How to Help Your Clients Break a Trauma Bond

Here are some questions and prompts for therapists to help clients process their trauma bond experiences:

1. Do you lie to friends and family about what happens in your relationship?
2. Do you often defend your partner’s behavior to others or even to yourself?
3. Do you frequently feel like what you’re experiencing in the relationship is your fault?
4. Do you sense an imbalance of power between you and your partner?
5. Does your partner often make promises to change or commitments for the future that they never follow through on?
6. Have you become more isolated from friends and family since the relationship began?
7. Do you feel anxious or fearful about your partner’s reactions in certain situations?
8. Are there times when you doubt your own perceptions or memories of events after discussing them with your partner?
9. Do you notice a pattern of intense affection followed by periods of criticism or emotional withdrawal from your partner?
10. Are you sacrificing your own needs and wellbeing to keep the peace in the relationship?
11. Does it often appear as though your partner delights in causing you pain?
12. Do you see your partner experience empathy or remorse when they hurt you or cause you pain?

Your client’s response to these questions influences the direction you go next as their therapist. These questions are conversation starters. Lean in to each one as a conversation of its own. Let them open up a dialogue of self-discovery, exploring patterns and the possible attachment traumas that initiated those patterns.

Other strategies to incorporate in your therapy as you work on breaking the trauma bond include: (Copley, 2023)

1. Exploring your client’s origin story and early attachment styles in childhood
2. Engaging in inner child work with your client
3. Teaching your client reparenting strategies
4. Mapping out with your client how the trauma bond plays out as a cycle or pattern
5. Integrating self-image and identity work in your practice so your client learns how to feel fully embodied
6. Helping your client see opportunities to implement new and healthier skills for corrective experiences

3 Strategies to Overcome Emotional Dependency

The hold that the trauma bond has on individuals can be so strong that people lose their sense of self and identity (Messing et al., 2021). Their emotions are entangled with their partner, making it difficult to separate their partner’s needs, emotions, and experiences from their own. Below are three ways you can help your clients overcome emotional dependency and feel more embodied.

1. Build mindfulness and self-awareness

Begin by helping your client understand their emotional triggers and patterns. Meditation and deep-breathing exercises can help your client stay present, while journaling or processing in therapy can help clients recognize when and why they became emotionally dependent on others.

2. Develop healthy boundaries while strengthening healthy relationships

Work with your client on how to set and maintain boundaries in relationships. Discuss the importance of surrounding themselves with a supportive network of friends and family who respect those boundaries and encourage their growth.

3. Cultivate self-esteem and independence

Select activities that boost your client’s confidence and sense of self-worth, proving to themselves that they can make decisions without relying on others. This can include pursuing hobbies, setting personal goals, taking up new challenges, learning new skills, and celebrating their achievements, no matter how small. Several activity resources are shared below.

5 Self-Compassion Exercises to Heal From Trauma Bonding

Self-compassion is a powerful tool to teach your clients to aid them in overcoming trauma bonds. It allows individuals to treat themselves with kindness and understanding rather than self-criticism.

Below are strategies to help your clients break free from the cycle of emotional dependency and begin the healing process.

Self-compassionate journaling

Encourage clients to write about their experiences and feelings with a compassionate tone, acknowledging their struggles without judgment and reminding them that it’s OK to feel hurt.

This practice aids in processing emotions and promotes healing. To help your client get started, here are several journaling prompts.

Affirmation cards

Guide clients to create a set of daily affirmation cards with positive statements about themselves. Encourage them to read these cards daily to reinforce self-compassion and remind them of their strengths and resilience.

Mirror work

Have clients stand in front of a mirror, look into their own eyes, and speak to themselves with kindness and compassion, offering affirmations such as, “You are worthy of love,” “You are enough,” and “You deserve happiness.”

This exercise helps reinforce positive self-talk and self-acceptance.

Create a self-compassion toolkit

Assist clients in assembling a physical or digital toolkit filled with items and resources that bring comfort and joy, such as a favorite book, soothing music, uplifting quotes, or sensory items like a soft blanket.

Encourage them to use this toolkit during moments of distress for immediate comfort and self-care reinforcement.

Compassionate movement

Promote gentle physical activities such as yoga, tai chi, or mindful walking, instructing clients to focus on how their body feels during these movements and to appreciate its strength and capabilities. These embodiment practices foster a compassionate connection with their physical self.

3 Ready-Made Resilience Worksheets

We are happy to provide you with numerous free resources on overcoming trauma and experiencing resilience. Some examples of those resources include:

Growing Stronger From Trauma is a worksheet designed to help clients identify the strengths developed from coping with past trauma. Using these strengths enables them to cultivate a balanced, positive perspective on adversity and prepare for future challenges.

The Exploring Past Resilience worksheet is designed to help clients assess how they overcome past setbacks and challenges, allowing them to identify strategies and strengths to draw upon in the future.

When Was I (Not) Resilient offers clients a helpful way to review situations where they coped well or poorly, aiding in the identification of more developed qualities of resilience.

PositivePsychology.com’s Helpful Resources

On our blog, we have a variety of tools that could be helpful to include in your work with trauma-bonded clients.

Some of our free resources include:

• Relationship Audit
  This worksheet helps cultivate relationship insights and teaches clients how to understand how authenticity is present in their relationships.
• Imago Workup
  This activity can help clients identify their most important needs, desires, and qualities and how they might apply these in romantic relationships.
• Dealing With Boundary Violations
  This worksheet is helpful for individuals who struggle with boundaries and teaches them how to establish consequences for individuals who violate them.

If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others overcome adversity, this collection contains 17 validated resilience and coping exercises. Use them to help others recover from personal challenges and turn setbacks into opportunities for growth.

A Take-Home Message

Given the varying degrees of trauma bonding, it becomes essential for us as therapists to carefully untangle the complex relationship dynamics to provide appropriate interventions.

This process involves assessing whether the relationship can be salvaged through trauma-informed therapy and attachment-focused therapy approaches or if our focus needs to be on helping the victim recognize the danger, leave the toxic environment, and safely begin the process of recovery.

Overcoming trauma bonding and building a life that is healthy, fulfilling, and rooted in self-worth is possible with the right support and commitment to healing.

Remember, breaking free from a trauma bond is not just about ending the relationship but also about reclaiming your clients’ power, rebuilding their sense of self, and opening the door to healthier connections in the future.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Resilience Exercises for free.