Myth: Self-acceptance means you have to like or agree with all your thoughts and feelings.
Fact: Self-acceptance allows your thoughts and feelings to be there without fighting them.
Can you accept yourself as you are, with all your strengths, quirks, and challenges?
We all have thoughts sometimes like, “I’m not enough.” They’re normal thoughts and aren’t necessarily problematic.
The problem lies in how you might respond. Many of us try to suppress, distract, or overthink as a way to eliminate the thought.
While these avoidance strategies can provide short-term relief from discomfort or distress, they increase long-term distress and hinder personal growth (Levin et al., 2012).
Instead of having us avoid or change the content of thoughts, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) teaches people how to change their relationship to thoughts.
In this post, I’ll explore how to practice self-acceptance with ACT and offer some exercises to get you started.
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Acceptance is a core principle of ACT and refers to the ability to experience thoughts and feelings without trying to control them (Hayes et al., 2006).
Self-acceptance builds on this. It involves accepting, without judgment or resistance, all parts of yourself, including perceived flaws and uncomfortable or distressing thoughts and emotions. Instead of evaluating or fighting your inner experience, you learn to observe it with curious awareness (A-Tjak et al., 2015).
It’s not about changing who you are, but changing your relationship to what comes up, so you can act in line with your values, even when it’s difficult. This is called psychological flexibility in ACT: staying present and open to your experience, and taking meaningful action even in the presence of discomfort.
For example, you might feel anxious about speaking in a group. Rather than waiting for confidence to show up, you allow the discomfort and speak anyway because it matters to you.
What self-acceptance is not:
Positive thinking
It’s not about replacing negative thoughts with more positive ones. You don’t need to challenge or reframe every difficult thought or emotion. Instead, you work on changing your relationship to them, so they have less influence over your behavior.
Liking or agreeing with your thoughts
It’s not about endorsing what your mind says. You can think, “I’m not good at anything,” and recognize that it’s just a thought, not a fact.
Resignation or giving up
It’s not saying, “This is just how I am, so why bother changing?” You don’t avoid; rather, you make space for uncomfortable experiences and take meaningful action aligned with your personal values.
Eliminating self-criticism
Silencing your inner critic completely is not the goal. ACT is about changing how you relate to it so it becomes less dominant, persuasive, and controlling.
Why Fighting Your Thoughts Can Make Things Worse
Fighting your thoughts is like getting stuck in quicksand: The more you struggle, the faster it pulls you under (Harris, 2006).
Every instinct is telling you to fight, but fighting is the worst thing you can do because the sand locks tighter around you.
The same can be true for emotions. When a feeling like anxiety shows up, it’s natural to want to resist it. But when you treat it as unacceptable, you often add a second layer of distress, like being anxious about anxiety or frustrated about feeling the way you do. As Harris (2006, p. 6) puts it, “Struggle is like an emotional amplifier.”
This pattern is known as experiential avoidance: trying to control or escape unwanted feelings or thoughts, either by suppressing them or avoiding situations that trigger them (Wang et al., 2024).
It can bring short-term relief, but over time, it can make things worse. It drains your energy, limits your life, and teaches your brain that these experiences are dangerous, which can make the feelings more intense and more frequent.
The struggle often becomes the problem rather than reducing distress. That’s why ACT focuses on changing your relationship to thoughts and feelings, not getting rid of them.
Four ACT Practices for Self-Acceptance in Daily Life
These ACT practices show you how to put self-acceptance into action. They target different skills, so you can respond more flexibly in everyday situations.
1. Defusion: Name the story
Defusion allows you to step back from your thoughts and see them as passing mental events, not facts you have to believe or obey (Hayes et al., 2006). It shifts the narrative from “This thought/feeling is true” to “This is a story my mind is telling me,” which creates psychological space.
Step 1: Notice the thought. What is your mind saying?
For example, “I’m going to fail at this.”
Step 2: Label it as a story or pattern.
“This is just another ‘I’m a failure’ story.”
Step 3: Repeat the label each time the thought shows up.
“There’s the ‘I’m a failure’ story again.”
Step 4: Return to what matters.
Bring your attention back to what you were doing or what matters in the moment, like your values, tasks, or goals.
2. Thank you, mind
Your mind is trying to predict, prepare, and protect you, even when it feels like it’s doing the opposite.
The following exercise helps you shift from fighting thoughts to relating to them differently by acknowledging what the mind is trying to do. This reduces the threat response and thereby the emotional intensity (Harris, 2006).
Step 1: Notice the thought.
For example, “They’re cheating on me.”
Step 2: Acknowledge what your mind is trying to do (predict, prepare, protect).
Step 3: Thank your mind.
“Thank you, mind, for trying to keep me safe.”
Step 4: Refocus on the present.
Bring your attention back to what you were doing or what matters most right now.
3. Acceptance: Make room
We often inadvertently add a second layer of distress by struggling against the feeling with thoughts like, “I shouldn’t feel this way.” Paradoxically, when you stop fighting feelings, they become less intense and more manageable (Arch & Craske, 2008).
Step 1: Notice where the feeling is in the body.
For example, “I feel anxious in my chest.”
Step 2: Stop the struggle. Instead of trying to push it away, allow it to be there.
“I don’t have to like this, but I can let it be.”
Step 3: Create space for the feeling in your body.
You can acknowledge it, breathe into it, and let it rise and fall naturally.
Step 4: Stay present and continue.
Bring your attention back to the present moment and continue with what’s important right now.
4. Small values step
This exercise helps you shift from focusing on how you feel to focusing on how you want to live and what kind of person you want to be. This can give you meaning and direction and help you to act in line with your values, even in the face of discomfort.
You don’t have to feel “ready” to take action. Confidence often follows action rather than the other way around.
Step 1: Identify a value.
Ask yourself, “What kind of person do I want to be in this moment?”
Step 2: Choose a small action that reflects that value.
For example, send that message, speak up once in a meeting, or go for a walk instead of staying in bed.
Step 3: Expect discomfort and allow it to be there.
For example, “I feel anxious, but I can still do it.”
Step 4: Take the step even if you don’t feel ready or confident so your mind learns it can deal with discomfort.
Putting It Together: A 60-Second Self-Acceptance Reset
Self-acceptance is a practice. That means it’s not a switch but a set of small, repeatable skills you can use, especially when your mind gets loud or critical.
This 60-second reset brings together the core processes of ACT into a sequence you can use anytime you need. Remember, it’s not about getting rid of the thoughts and feelings but responding to them with more flexibility and awareness.
1. Notice the thought (awareness)
Pause and identify what your mind is saying, e.g., “I can never do anything right.”
2. Name the story (defusion)
Label it as a familiar story or pattern: “Here’s the ‘I’m no good at anything’ story.”
3. Allow the feeling (acceptance)
Notice what’s happening in your body and make space for it: “I feel anxiety here, and I can allow it to be there.”
4. Choose your next step (values)
Ask yourself, “What matters most right now?” and then take one small action in that direction, such as doing the thing anyway.
Helpful Resources from PositivePsychology.com
Here are some more resources on ACT, including more information and exercises:
If you’re looking for more science-based ways to develop self-compassion, this collection contains 17 validated self-compassion tools. Use them to create a kinder and more nurturing relationship with the self.
A Take-Home Message
Self-acceptance doesn’t mean you have to like everything about yourself or enjoy every thought or feeling you have. It’s about making space for all of your experiences.
In ACT, this means stepping back from your thoughts and feelings, acknowledging their presence, and allowing them to be there so you’re not fighting against them. This gives you more space to choose your actions based on your personal values.
How is self-acceptance different from self-esteem?
Self-esteem is about how you evaluate your worth and how you feel about yourself. Low self-esteem can lead to self-criticism, whereas high self-esteem allows you to accept yourself more. Thus, while self-acceptance is related to self-esteem, they’re different. Self-acceptance isn’t based on evaluation but on accepting yourself and your inner world as it is, without judgment.
Can I practice self-acceptance if I still feel like I'm not enough?
Yes, self-acceptance isn’t achieved overnight and takes practice and commitment. It doesn’t require you to feel confident or believe you’re good enough. You just practice making space for all your thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them or believing they’re facts. You allow the feeling or thought and continue to take action based on your values.
References
Arch, J. J., & Craske, M. G. (2008). Acceptance and commitment therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety disorders: Different treatments, similar mechanisms? Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 15(4), 263–279. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2850.2008.00137.x
A-Tjak, J. G. L., Davis, M. L., Morina, N., Powers, M. B., Smits, J. A. J., & Emmelkamp, P. M. G. (2015). A meta-analysis of the efficacy of acceptance and commitment therapy for clinically relevant mental and physical health problems. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 84(1), 30–36. https://doi.org/10.1159/000365764
Harris, R. (2006). Embracing your demons: An overview of acceptance and commitment therapy. Psychotherapy in Australia, 12(4), 2–8.
Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1–25. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.06.006
Levin, M. E., Hildebrandt, M. J., Lillis, J., & Hayes, S. C. (2012). The impact of treatment components suggested by the psychological flexibility model: A meta-analysis of laboratory-based component studies. Behavior Therapy, 43(4), 741–756. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2012.05.003
Wang, Y., Tian, J., & Yang, Q. (2024). Experiential avoidance process model: A review of the mechanism for the generation and maintenance of avoidance behavior. Psychiatry and Clinical Psychopharmacology, 34(2), 179–190. https://doi.org/10.5152/pcp.2024.23777
About the author
Anna Drescher, is a mental health writer and editor with a background in psychology and psychotherapy. In addition to her writing and editorial work, Anna is a certified hypnotherapist and meditation teacher. She has extensive experience working within the mental health sector in various roles including support work, managing a service user involvement and coproduction project, and working as an assistant psychologist within the NHS in England.
We all have thoughts sometimes like, “I’m not enough.” They’re normal thoughts and aren’t necessarily problematic.
Fighting your thoughts is like getting stuck in quicksand: The more you struggle, the faster it pulls you under (Harris, 2006).
Self-acceptance is a practice. That means it’s not a switch but a set of small, repeatable skills you can use, especially when your mind gets loud or critical.
