Rather than a lack of love, permissive parenting usually involves a lack of structure, and kids need both love and structure to thrive.
When there are no rules, kids can feel like nobody is paying attention (Llorca et al., 2017).
You do not have to become a stricter parent. You just have to become a more consistent one.
You are not a pushover. You are a loving, tuned-in parent who hates seeing your kid upset, values their happiness, and maybe grew up in a home where the rules felt suffocating.
So you loosened the reins, and honestly, that came from a really good place. However, research consistently shows that warmth without structure actually harms kids in the long run (Kawabata et al., 2011; Llorca et al., 2017).
This article walks you through five signs of permissive parenting, without shame or judgment, and points you toward a more balanced approach that actually works.
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Permissive parenting, sometimes called indulgent parenting, consists of high warmth with low structure (Kawabata et al., 2011).
Permissive parents are loving, responsive, and deeply attuned to their kids. What they struggle with is the follow-through, such as firm limits, consistent consequences, and monitoring that helps kids develop self-regulation. And the gap between warmth and structure is where things tend to quietly go sideways.
Researchers have found that kids from permissive homes often struggle with self-regulation, peer relationships, and academic motivation because they have not had enough practice with boundaries (Kawabata et al., 2011).
In adolescence, permissive parenting is linked to higher rates of substance use, school misbehavior, and less overall commitment to school (Lamborn et al., 1991, as cited in Llorca et al., 2017). Looking further ahead, this type of parenting structure has also been connected to entitlement, a lower work ethic, and difficulty with self-discipline in adulthood (Kawabata et al., 2011).
Surprisingly, kids often interpret a lack of rules as a sign that their parents are not all that concerned about them (Llorca et al., 2017). Firm limits, when delivered with warmth, are actually experienced as care and protection, not meanness.
Why Tolerant Parenting Can Backfire, Even When It Comes From Love
Researchers have found that even the most well-intentioned permissive parenting can backfire in a few consistent ways.
Without monitoring or being asked to reflect on their actions, kids struggle to regulate anger and aggressive impulses in peer relationships (Kawabata et al., 2011).
The absence of structure can create an insecure attachment, even in homes full of love and warmth (Llorca et al., 2017).
Maternal permissiveness, specifically, predicts more aggressive behavior toward peers and weaker peer attachment over time (Llorca et al., 2017).
Students from permissive homes tend to have lower academic self-efficacy, meaning they believe less in their own ability to succeed (Llorca et al., 2017).
Unsure what your parenting style may be? Could you be overly permissive? Reflect on the following questions.
1. You say yes in order to keep the peace
You find yourself giving in when your child pushes back because the conflict feels too uncomfortable. Research identifies this lack of follow-through as one of the defining features of permissive parenting (Kawabata et al., 2011).
2. Rules exist, but they shift depending on your energy
Bedtime is 8 p.m., except when you are tired. Screen limits apply, except on hard days. Inconsistent discipline is a hallmark of this style, and kids pick up on the pattern quickly (Kawabata et al., 2011).
3. You explain yourself until your child agrees
There is a difference between giving a reason for a rule and negotiating until your child accepts it. Permissive parents often overexplain or keep justifying in hopes of getting buy-in, rather than holding the limit regardless of whether the child likes it (Llorca et al., 2017).
4. You feel more like a friend than a parent
You want your child to like you and to feel like you are on their team. That instinct is nice in theory, but when it leads to avoiding the hard conversations or backing down from necessary limits, it tips into permissive territory (Kawabata et al., 2011).
5. You do not know where your child is or what they are doing most of the time
Low monitoring is one of the clearest markers of permissive parenting (Kawabata et al., 2011). And it is not just about safety. When kids are not observed or asked to reflect on their choices, they miss the scaffolding they need to develop internal self-regulation (Kawabata et al., 2011).
How Do You Shift to Positive Parenting?
The goal is to add structure to the warmth you already have.
Here’s where to start:
Be kind and firm at the same time
Validate the feeling, hold the limit, and do not re-explain. “I know you are frustrated and screens are still off” covers all three (Chen et al., 2019).
Add routines and follow through on them
Regular family routines, including something as simple as consistent family dinners, are linked to fewer behavioral problems and stronger emotional regulation in kids (Chen et al., 2019). Predictability is a form of security that kids often depend on.
Start monitoring more actively
Know where your children are, who they are with, and what they are doing. Then talk about it—not to interrogate, but to stay connected. Active monitoring is one of the most consistent protective factors in the research (Kawabata et al., 2011; Llorca et al., 2017; Green et al., 2024).
A Take-Home Message
If you recognize yourself here, you are already doing the most important thing, which is paying attention.
Permissive parenting almost always comes from love, and that love is not the problem. The research is clear that kids need both connection and structure to thrive (Kawabata et al., 2011; Llorca et al., 2017).
The shift does not require becoming a different person. It means adding the firm to the warmth you already bring. That combination is what researchers consistently point to as the sweet spot for raising kids who feel loved, regulated, and ready for the world (Chen et al., 2019; Cunha et al., 2024).
Is permissive parenting the same as gentle or positive parenting?
Not quite. Gentle parenting is a popular term that emphasizes empathy, respect, and understanding a child’s emotional experience. Positive parenting is a research-based approach that shares those values but explicitly includes clear, consistent expectations and follow-through (Kawabata et al., 2011; Llorca et al., 2017).
Permissive parenting has warmth but doesn’t include structure. Gentle and positive parenting are similar in nature, but positive parenting is more explicit about limits.
Is it too late to change parenting styles if my child is already a teenager?
Not at all. Adolescence is still a critical window where consistent, warm, structured parenting makes a real difference in peer relationships, academic outcomes, and behavioral regulation (Llorca et al., 2017). At this age, it’s important to go slowly, be transparent about the shift, and focus on consistency over perfection.
References
Chen, Y., Haines, J., Charlton, B. M., & VanderWeele, T. J. (2019). Positive parenting improves multiple aspects of health and well-being in young adulthood. Nature Human Behaviour, 3(7), 684–691. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41562-019-0602-x
Cunha, O., Sousa, M., Pereira, B., Pinheiro, M., Machado, A. B., Caridade, S., & Almeida, T. C. (2024). Positive childhood experiences and adult outcomes: A systematic review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 26(5), 991–1010. https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380241299434
Green, R., Linga-Easwaran, J., Goodman, C., Taylor, M., Fabiano, G. F., Miller, S. P., & Williams, T. S. (2024). Positive parenting practices support children at neurological risk during COVID-19: A call for accessible parenting interventions. Frontiers in Psychology, 15, Article 1328476. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1328476
Kawabata, Y., Alink, L. R. A., Tseng, W.-L., van IJzendoorn, M. H., & Crick, N. R. (2011). Maternal and paternal parenting styles associated with relational aggression in children and adolescents: A conceptual analysis and meta-analytic review. Developmental Review, 31(4), 240–278. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.dr.2011.08.001
Lamborn, S. D., Mounts, N. S., Steinberg, L., & Dornbusch, S. M. (1991). Patterns of competence and adjustment among adolescents from authoritative, authoritarian, indulgent, and neglectful families. Child Development, 62(5), 1049–1065. https://doi.org/10.2307/1131151
Llorca, A., Richaud, M. C., & Malonda, E. (2017). Parenting, peer relationships, academic self-efficacy, and academic achievement: Direct and mediating effects. Frontiers in Psychology, 8, Article 02120. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.02120
About the author
Alicia Hawley-Bernardez, Ph.D., LMSW, is a trauma-informed therapist, professor, and educator whose work centers on healing after interpersonal harm, identity exploration, and resilience. She specializes in supporting individuals navigating anxiety, trauma, emotionally abusive relationships, and major life transitions. Across both clinical and academic spaces, Alicia prioritizes connection, empowerment, and helping people rebuild trust in themselves.
You are not a pushover. You are a loving, tuned-in parent who hates seeing your kid upset, values their happiness, and maybe grew up in a home where the rules felt suffocating.
Researchers have found that even the most well-intentioned permissive parenting can backfire in a few consistent ways.
The goal is to add structure to the warmth you already have.
