Marriage therapy for infidelity helps couples process betrayal, rebuild trust & improve communication.
Healing after infidelity requires emotional readiness, transparency & commitment from both partners.
While many couples recover through therapy, separation can also be a healthy outcome.
Holistic models of wellbeing suggest that satisfaction with your love life is a critical component of general health (Perel, 2017).
Infidelity is a devastating issue that can interfere with romantic relationships and disrupt various aspects of emotional, mental, and social health.
Infidelity refers to emotional or sexual involvement with someone outside a couple’s relationship and involves a breach of contract between partners (Treas & Giesen, 2000).
Infidelity in relationships, particularly marriage, is often experienced as a traumatic event, impacting thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
However, it is estimated that approximately half of marriages that experience infidelity survive (Haltzman, 2013). Engaging in marriage therapy for infidelity to cope with the trauma can heal individuals and relationships.
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Marriage therapy for infidelity can provide a safe space for couples to work through betrayal and desolation. Learning about an affair can be a devastating blow, causing a shock wave of various emotions.
Therapy can be a crucial component for healing the relationship, rebuilding trust, and dealing with the emotional turmoil that comes from betrayal.
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Emotional readiness vs. immediate support
Initially, couples may not be ready to dive into therapy after a major betrayal or affair. Many relationship experts recognize that the first 72 hours after learning about infidelity are considered a crisis stage and may require a phase of de-escalation (Baucom et al., 2011).
During this stage, partners need the immediate support of emotional safety, self-care, and the ability to make rational decisions about the future of the relationship.
Immediate support to pause any escalation may include the following (Fincham & May, 2017):
Call a time-out. Avoid talking about the situation. Avoid making any statements out of an emotional reaction, such as, “I hate you” or “I’m done, and it’s over.” Don’t discuss the relationship or its future if at all possible.
Prioritize self-care such as sleep, hydration, nutrition, meditation, and outside social support
Use text or email to communicate factual and organizational issues such as scheduling, child care, or work.
Immediate support should include anything that can help the couple stabilize before making irreversible and often regrettable decisions.
Emotional readiness to begin counseling involves an acknowledgement of feelings from both parties. The betrayed partner needs to be able to express sadness, anger, and grief but be willing to do the work to repair the relationship. The partner who betrays needs to feel sorrow, empathy, and genuine regret for their actions (Shrout & Weigel, 2017).
Couples will work toward a commitment to heal the marriage and must have a desire to change the relationship. This can take time and is a process. Couples can only begin the repair process once the affair has ended.
Infidelity is often caused by underlying issues that should have been addressed before the betrayal. Marriage therapy can help heal the hurt from infidelity and address the root causes to create a lasting and healthy relationship (Weiner-Davis, 2017).
When should couples seek support?
Finding professional guidance is crucial to healing from infidelity. Whether the relationship lasts or the individuals separate, there are emotional and psychological needs that should be addressed.
Couples should seek support once the affair has ended and they are willing to communicate openly.
To prepare for therapy, couples may begin to set goals and discuss feelings about the affair, expectations for therapy, and what they hope to achieve. This is not necessary, but it can set the stage for more productive therapy sessions.
What to Expect in Marriage Therapy for Infidelity
Meta-analytic research and qualitative reviews have demonstrated that couples therapy can be a critical tool for relationship discord (Atkins et al., 2005). This research shows that approximately two-thirds of couples report improvement through therapy.
Infidelity can be one of the most difficult problems to treat in marriage therapy (Atkins et al., 2005). Couples counseling can help with the emotional processing of strong feelings, improve communication, explore reasons behind the betrayal, and work to rebuild trust.
Rebuilding communication
Communication after infidelity can be difficult, but it’s a necessary first step in healing from the hurt. Some strategies for improving communication include:
Active listening
Couples need to practice engaging fully in conversation with one another, particularly around topics related to the affair. Couples can practice active listening by reflecting back what they hear their partner say before responding.
Using “I” statements
Instead of saying, “You did this, and it hurt me” say, “I felt hurt when ____ happened.” “I feel” statements create more vulnerability and decrease the level of defensiveness that can happen in difficult conversations.
Creating a safe space to have difficult conversations
Have partners list what times, locations, and situations feel safe to open dialogue about infidelity and the emotions that follow.
Exploring the reasons behind the betrayal
One of the most beneficial aspects of couples therapy after infidelity is working to uncover reasons for the betrayal. This can help with the healing process for both the relationship and the wellbeing of individual partners. Understanding root causes of infidelity can help prevent future ruptures between the couple (Mostafa & Yousef, 2023).
Some of the reasons cited for infidelity include (Gordon et al., 2023):
A trained professional can help couples address these problems and create a new foundation that meets their mental, physical, and emotional needs.
Managing strong emotions
Infidelity can have a significant impact on mental and emotional health. Emotions such as anger, sadness, shame, and hopelessness may emerge and can impact work, social relationships, and daily function (Atkins et al., 2005). These emotions can lead to anxiety and depression if they are not properly addressed.
General coping skills and regular self-care during the initial stages of recovering from infidelity can be helpful. Things like regular exercise, yoga, mindfulness exercises, journaling, and enlisting emotional support systems will buffer strong emotions.
As practitioners, we should normalize the wide range of emotions clients experience after infidelity and let clients expect that there will be ups and downs in the process of healing.
Once couples begin to regulate intense emotions, they can start focusing on the longer-term process of rebuilding trust.
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Rebuilding Trust: A Step-by-Step Process
Trust is the fundamental principle for making relationships work (Gottman & Silver, 2012). Mutual trust allows couples to feel safe, deepens love and connection, and allows friendship and intimacy to grow.
A betrayal of infidelity destroys trust, and it takes time and effort to build it back. A large component of marriage therapy for infidelity is focused on rebuilding trust.
Full disclosure, forgiveness, and setting boundaries
Relationship experts John Gottman and Julie Gottman have used their Love Lab to study couples for over 40 years (Gottman & Silver, 2012). Their work on infidelity has revealed a method of “atone, attune, and attach” for repairing relationships after a betrayal (Gottman & Silver, 2012).
Full disclosure of the affair occurs during the atonement phase. Steps to rebuilding trust begin with full disclosure from the partner who strayed. The betrayed partner has the opportunity to ask as many questions as they want until they feel confident that the truth is out.
Forgiveness is a complex process that begins in the attunement phase. It involves recognizing the hurt that is felt due to the infidelity and taking responsibility for healing.
Releasing or letting go of negative thoughts and feelings is crucial for forgiveness and will benefit the couple and the individual partners. Forgiveness is an internal process (for the betrayed partner) and is different from reconciliation.
In order to move toward the attachment phase of relationship repair, the couple needs to set new boundaries. Boundaries might include setting times for regular emotional check-ins, limiting or ending contact with the affair partner, developing a plan for triggers, and committing to healing and growing as a couple (Weiner-Davis, 2017).
Transparency and accountability
Transparency and accountability are necessary in every aspect of the couple’s life in order to build trust back (Treas & Giesen, 2000).
Transparency essentially means there are no more secrets. Each partner is an open book, and they each hold the other accountable for checking in and sharing information. This might include allowing full access to phones, social media, bank accounts, and sharing locations.
This is not about control or manipulation, but about openly sharing all aspects of life with one another, including emotional vulnerability.
Full transparency and accountability involve admitting mistakes and deep introspection through honest conversations about thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and shared future goals (Treas & Giesen, 2000).
Relationship affairs and betrayals often create symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (Shrout & Weigel, 2017). Emotional responses and fears of another affair occurring are a normal part of the healing process. Common triggers for the betrayed partner include:
Specific dates
Anniversary dates of when the affair was discovered, when it started, or milestone dates in the current relationship can trigger memories and fears for each partner.
Specific locations
Locations where the affair took place or where the affair partner was during infidelity can create emotional responses.
Smells
Our olfactory sense is one of the most powerful memory triggers we have as humans (Shrout & Weigel, 2017). Perfume, cologne, lotion, laundry detergent, or other smells can stimulate memories and strong emotions.
Sounds, songs, or auditory noises
Songs, ringtones, or other sounds can be associated with the affair and trigger emotional responses.
What if it happens again?
There are various reasons for repeated affairs. Some individuals are naturally prone to cheating and struggle with monogamy and satisfaction in a relationship (Perel, 2017).
Gottman and Silver (2012) discuss warning signs that may indicate infidelity is likely to happen again:
The partner who strayed doesn’t view cheating as immoral, wrong, or unethical, or casually dismisses it.
They don’t take responsibility for cheating or blame the other for infidelity.
They have a history of lying and deceiving, are secretive, and/or refuse to communicate.
They’re unable or unwilling to empathize with the partner they betrayed.
If the couple doesn’t do the deep work and examination to build a new foundation, an affair is likely to reoccur. It is easier to fill in the cracks and paint over the walls than to address the unlevel foundation of a relationship.
Understanding reasons for multiple affairs will determine whether the couple should move forward to repair the relationship or move on from it.
Creating a relationship repair plan
While every couple’s healing process looks different, creating a relationship repair plan is important. Common factors for all couples wanting to move forward include (Gordon et al., 2023):
Completely ending the affair and cutting off or eliminating contact with the affair partner
Making a commitment to complete honesty, transparency, and accountability
Seeking professional support and guidance
Allowing each partner to have and express emotions throughout the process
Working toward forgiveness
Tailoring a relationship repair plan to the couple’s specific needs and situation is important. This is something that can be done with the help of a trained professional or therapist.
When Marriage Therapy Fails — and Why That’s OK
Sometimes, after weeks, months, or years of couples counseling, the reasons behind an affair are too difficult to overcome.
Or through therapy, both partners face the fact that they would be happier and healthier ending the marriage. This does not mean that marriage therapy was a failure. Making the decision to divorce or separate can be viewed as a pivot rather than a failure. Transitional periods in life often lead to better things in the future.
Separation as healing
Separation or divorce can be the best option if (Haltzman, 2013):
The betraying partner does not apologize.
The betraying partner refuses to go to counseling.
The betraying partner refuses to give up the affair.
The betraying partner is not committed, frequently lies, and is unwilling to work on the relationship.
Finding healing through separation from a toxic relationship can lead to healing for the individuals in the marriage.
Separation can help individuals find independence, freedom, learn new skills, create new relationships and communities, and open them up to new possibilities (Haltzman, 2013). If the relationship cannot be repaired, it is still important for individuals to seek divorce therapy and guidance to navigate separation and find hope and healing in a future on their own.
Individual therapy for trauma
While it is not an official diagnosis, the phrase “post-infidelity stress disorder” was coined by Dennis Ortman (2005) while doing research on a woman who caught her husband having an affair with her best friend.
Getting treatment for the trauma that infidelity may cause can provide coping skills, ways to heal, and adaptive strategies to improve wellbeing.
Individual therapy may include cognitive restructuring, where the client works to replace rigid, irrational, and fixed thinking patterns and replace them with more functional ones (Ortman, 2005). This may include ideas such as, “All women are untrustworthy” and changing the thought to, “I have been cheated on and lied to, but there are honest women out there.”
Cognitive restructuring helps shift the narrative of infidelity to one that is more tolerable through exposure techniques (Ortman, 2005). Exposure techniques after an affair involve the client slowly and consciously focusing on details of the affair rather than avoiding them.
Cognitive restructuring and exposure therapy are techniques that can facilitate healing (Ortman, 2005).
Additional therapy using trauma-informed care to improve self-esteem, shift negative self-talk, work through shame, and address underlying issues that led to the affair can be helpful.
17 Exercises for Positive, Fulfilling Relationships
Empower others with the skills to cultivate fulfilling, rewarding relationships and enhance their social wellbeing with these 17 Positive Relationships Exercises [PDF].
PositivePsychology.com offers a variety of resources to help couples heal from betrayal, rekindle love and support, and find new and meaningful connections.
Learning more about one another and revisiting values and priorities is a good way to find new connections or revisit old passions. This worksheet, Ranking Priorities in a Relationship, asks couples to rank their priorities or choices of activities, which will spark ideas and insight, enabling them to make the most of the time they have together.
As couples navigate new boundaries and explore reasons for the affair and infidelity, conflict is likely to surface. It is not the absence of conflict that makes a relationship strong, but how couples navigate through it. Using this Resolving Marital Conflicts Questionnaire, couples can have more productive and meaningful discussions, grow through disagreements, and improve communication for the future.
Repairing relationships after infidelity focuses a lot of attention on the negative aspects of each partner and the past. But learning to shift attention to the positives can provide a healthy buffer as couples restart a marriage. The Valuing My Partner Worksheet is an excellent way to explore the best parts of each partner and the relationship they have.
If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others build healthy relationships, this collection contains 17 validated positive relationships tools for practitioners. Use them to help others form healthier, more nurturing, and life-enriching relationships.
A Take-Home Message
Having strong, meaningful relationships is foundational to individual health and wellbeing. A committed marriage filled with love and connection can increase longevity and quality of life (Gottman & Silver, 2012).
The betrayal of infidelity can shake the foundation of the most important relationship we have in life. However, the devastation and trauma of an affair do not have to destroy a marriage. Trust can be rebuilt, and many individuals and couples become stronger and more open, connected, and engaged after betrayal.
Marriage therapy for infidelity teaches clients new ways to communicate and manage emotions, while creating a road map of trust can deepen a marriage bond and become a catalyst for new beginnings.
Finding a therapist who has experience with infidelity is important. Therapy grounded in Gottman methods or emotion focused therapy is effective in helping couples heal from infidelity.
Does marriage counseling help with infidelity?
Marriage counseling can help heal the wounds of infidelity and improve the relationship. However, repair depends on the commitment of both partners and their willingness to open up, work to rebuild trust, and set appropriate boundaries against threats to the marriage.
Can a marriage go back to normal after cheating?
If both partners are willing to work on the relationship and address the underlying causes of cheating, the marriage can actually improve after infidelity. This is sometimes known as “creating marriage 2.0” (Gottman & Silver, 2012), where the couple can learn new ways of connecting, communicating, and creating rituals of meaning to strengthen their bond.
References
Atkins, D. C., Eldridge, K. A., & Baucom, D. H. (2005). Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: Optimism in the face of betrayal. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 73(1), 144–150. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.73.1.144
Baucom, D. H., Snyder, D. K., & Gordon, K. (2011). Helping couples get past the affair: A clinician’s guide. Guilford Press.
Gordon, K. C., Mitchell, E. A., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2023). Couple therapy for infidelity. In J. L. Lebow & D. K. Snyder (Eds.), Clinical handbook of couple therapy (pp. 413–433). Guilford Press.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2012). What makes love last? How to build trust and avoid betrayal. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
Haltzman, S. (2013). The secrets of surviving infidelity. John Hopkins University Press.
Mostafa, D., & Yousef, D. (2023). Comparison of attachment injury resolution model and integrative couple therapy on trust reconstruction among the injured women by marital infidelity. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 51(3), 281–301. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2021.1967223
Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. Yellow Kite.
Shrout, M. R., & Weigel, D. J. (2017). Infidelity’s aftermath: Appraisals, mental health, and health‐compromising behaviors following a partner’s infidelity. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(8), 1067–1091. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517704091
Weiner-Davis, M. (2017). Healing from infidelity. Michele Weiner-Davis Training Corporation.
About the author
Dr. Melissa Madeson, Ph.D., believes in a holistic approach to mental health and wellness and uses a person-centered approach when working with clients.
Currently in full-time private practice, she uses her experience with performance psychology, teaching, and designing collegiate wellness courses and yoga therapy to address a range of specific client needs.
Holistic models of wellbeing suggest that satisfaction with your love life is a critical component of general health (Perel, 2017).
Meta-analytic research and qualitative reviews have demonstrated that couples therapy can be a critical tool for relationship discord (Atkins et al., 2005). This research shows that approximately two-thirds of couples report improvement through therapy.
Sometimes, after weeks, months, or years of couples counseling, the reasons behind an affair are too difficult to overcome.
