Forgiving someone is not an all-or-nothing process.
Even a partial release is meaningful progress.
Every step away from resentment is a step toward a sense of freedom.
You know that forgiveness matters, but knowing how to forgive is something entirely different.
Yet few people are actually taught how to forgive.
How do you forgive someone who has never apologized?
How do you forgive when feeling ashamed or angry feels like the right thing to do?
In this article, we will explore the practical, step-by-step actions you can take to forgive.
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Forgiveness often takes time, and many wait until they are ready. But this can be a fallacy, as research shows that forgiveness is a decision and a practice that you consciously engage in, not an emotion that suddenly arises (Luskin, 2003; Enright, 2001).
Instead of waiting to wake up feeling like today is the day you will be able to forgive, you have the power to make the decision now to start the journey of forgiveness.
The psychology of forgiveness can be understood as the inner experience of peace and insight that comes from stepping away from blaming those who have hurt you. Notice that peace is the outcome of the process, not the starting point (Luskin, 2003).
Understanding this distinction enables you to reframe it, which changes forgiveness from something that happens to you into something you actively engage in.
What prevents you from forgiving?
Being aware of common internal blocks can help explain why forgiveness feels difficult.
Waiting for an apology
Many people believe forgiveness can only happen once the other person acknowledges their actions. This is problematic in two ways. Firstly, it creates a power shift, giving the person who hurt you power over your healing. Secondly, it prevents you from actively enabling yourself to forgive someone who will never apologize or who is no longer a threat to you (Enright, 2001).
Confusing forgiveness with trust
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean trusting them again. Trust can be rebuilt through consistent behavior within the relationship over time. Forgiveness is an internal release that has nothing to do with what the other person does next.
Shame is blocking self-forgiveness
When it comes to forgiving yourself, shame is often the primary obstacle. Guilt says, “I did something bad,” and motivates repair. Shame says, “I am bad,” and leads to self-blame, withdrawal, and paralysis (Tangney & Dearing, 2003). Shame makes you feel like you don’t deserve self-forgiveness, which is why you need to name and challenge it directly.
How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You
The following steps draw on Fred Luskin’s (2003) nine steps to forgiveness and Enright’s (2001) process model, condensed into an accessible framework.
1. Know exactly what you are forgiving
Be specific. Name what happened, how it made you feel, and what it cost you. Vague resentment is harder to release than a clear definition of what is causing the pain. Articulating the issue in writing or sharing it with a trusted person can help you to see it clearly enough to help you start letting go of it.
2. Commit to forgiving for your own benefit
Remind yourself why you are doing this: not for the other person, not because what happened was acceptable, but because carrying resentment costs you energy and peace, and it negatively impacts your health (Luskin, 2003). This can help you stay committed through the harder steps.
3. Separate the person from the act
The person who hurt you is more than the worst thing they did. This does not excuse their behavior. Understand that people act based on their own pain, limitations, and circumstances. Their actions say more about them than you or your worth (Luskin, 2003).
This shift in perspective is a powerful part of the neuroscience of forgiveness because it activates empathy circuits in the brain and directly facilitates the process of forgiveness (Ricciardi et al., 2013; Molinero et al., 2024).
4. Release unenforceable rules
Much of our suffering comes from the ongoing discrepancy between reality and our expectations. “They should have been loyal. This should not have happened to me.” Luskin (2003) calls these the “unenforceable rules.” As reasonable as these expectations sound, we can’t always expect them to hold up in reality.
Letting go of these expectations is about stopping the cycle of rumination and gaining back your energy. It is not about lowering your standards or need for mutual respect in relationships. This step allows you to accept what happened so you can decide what you want to do next.
5. Redirect your energy toward your own life
Forgiveness is about moving forward. Learning how to forgive involves clarifying what you want your life to look like and investing your emotional energy into your goals and dreams. This step enables you to turn forgiveness from a passive release into an active choice to flourish.
Forgiveness may sometimes feel not just difficult but wrong. No matter where you are in the journey, from feeling hurt to experiencing severe trauma, ongoing harm, and losses that cannot be undone, it is important to remember: There is no timeline for forgiveness or obligation to rush.
When forgiveness feels completely out of reach, it is often because the groundwork is not yet in place (Luskin, 2003). First, you need to feel safe and allow space for grief. Sometimes professional support is what makes the difference between being permanently stuck and eventually taking the steps.
Forgiveness is also not an all-or-nothing process. You can partially release by choosing to stop ruminating, and even if you don’t feel entirely at peace yet, it is important to recognize that you have made meaningful progress. Every step you take away from feeling resentment is a step toward your sense of freedom.
A Take-Home Message
Knowing how to forgive is one of the most valuable skills you can develop, not because the people who hurt you deserve it, but because you deserve to feel light. Forgiveness is a series of active choices that you make over time.
Focusing on “how to forgive” rather than what you forgive can help you gradually let go of the past. You do not have to feel ready. You do not have to do it perfectly. You just have to be willing to take the first step and move forward incrementally.
Yes. Forgiveness does not require the absence of anger. Anger is a natural and often valid response to being hurt. What forgiveness does is change your relationship with that anger; you are no longer feeding it, rehearsing it, or letting it drive your decisions. The anger may still visit, but over time, it loses its grip. Waiting until you no longer feel anger before beginning to forgive means waiting indefinitely (Luskin, 2003).
Do you have to tell someone you have forgiven them?
No. Forgiveness is an internal process and does not require any communication with the person who hurt you. In many situations where the person is unsafe, unavailable, or deceased, telling them is neither possible nor advisable. The forgiveness that matters most happens inside you, regardless of whether the other person ever knows it occurred (Enright, 2001).
References
Enright, R. D. (2001). Forgiveness is a choice: A step-by-step process for resolving anger and restoring hope. American Psychological Association.
Ho, M. Y., Worthington, E. L., Jr., Cowden, R. G., Bechara, A. O., Chen, Z. J., Gunatirin, E. Y., Joynt, S., Khalanskyi, V. V., Korzhov, H., Kurniati, N. M. T., Rodriguez, N., Salnykova, A., Shtanko, L., Tymchenko, S., Voytenko, V. L., Zulkaida, A., Mathur, M. B., & VanderWeele, T. J. (2024). International REACH forgiveness intervention: A multisite randomised controlled trial. BMJ Public Health, 2, e000072. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjph-2023-000072
Luskin, F. (2003). Forgive for good: A proven prescription for health and happiness. HarperOne.
Molinero, A., Serrano, M. Á., & López, F. (2024). Effectiveness of forgiveness training programs in university contexts: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Cogent Education, 11(1), Article 2378242. https://doi.org/10.1080/2331186X.2024.2378242
Ricciardi, E., Rota, G., Sani, L., Gentili, C., Gaglianese, A., Guazzelli, M., & Pietrini, P. (2013). How the brain heals emotional wounds: The functional neuroanatomy of forgiveness. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 7, Article 839. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2013.00839
Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2003). Shame and guilt. Guilford Press.
About the author
Dr. Kinga Mnich is a globally-minded Executive Coach, Social Psychologist, and Speaker who helps high-achievers lead with confidence, clarity, and emotional intelligence. With over 15 years of experience across academia, social impact, and leadership development, she integrates science-backed strategies with mindfulness and somatic tools to create meaningful, lasting change. Kinga brings a rich multicultural perspective to her work.
You know that forgiveness matters, but knowing how to forgive is something entirely different.
The following steps draw on Fred Luskin’s (2003) nine steps to forgiveness and Enright’s (2001) process model, condensed into an accessible framework.
