Example: Person A criticizes → Person B feels attacked → Person B retaliates → Person A feels justified → Person A criticizes again
Steps to mapping this loop begin with identifying each person’s triggers and how they attempt to protect themselves, whether that be attack, defend, or retreat. Examine how each person interprets what the other person says and does, how this makes them feel, how they respond, and the impact it has on the relationship.
Once clients can map out the conflict loop, they can learn to replace blame with awareness (Maruyama, 1963). Using neutral language, clients will be able to describe this loop without attacking or pointing fingers and work to find points of intervention where changing a response can break the cycle.
3. Clarify needs, values, and goals
If clients can identify underlying needs, values, and goals, the shift in the dialogue goes from arguing about who is right to finding what matters (Merolla & Harman, 2016). In other words, clients will move from wanting to win an argument to finding common ground and can relate to a shared vision.
This process requires that clients use language of respect, fairness, and understanding to foster an environment of safety and connection.
Ask clients:
“What is most important to you right now?”
“What emotions surface for you as you discuss the importance of this topic?”
Encourage clients to find common themes in each of their answers.
4. Skills training: Speak–listen
Once clients have practiced de-escalation techniques, identified the conflict loop, and established shared goals or values, they can begin practicing communication skills.
Practicing skills through demonstration and repetition is a crucial component for managing conflict and improving communication in relationships (Fincham & Beach, 1999).
Begin by addressing these four skills:
- Describe
Clients will observe without judgment or evaluating what is being said. I encourage clients to state what they hear or see rather than how they interpret statements. Invite them to use statements such as, “I noticed …” or “I heard …” to repeat what the other person is saying.
- Validate
Validation is a crucial need in any relationship. Individuals automatically feel more relaxed and are open to problem-solving after validation (Bodenmann, 1997).
How do we teach clients to validate one another? Invite them to name and label the emotion they think their partner is experiencing. Emotional validation is a distinct skill that can be taught and learned through practice. Have partners work to connect a specific emotion to the situation that is being discussed.
For example, “It sounds like you are feeling frustrated with how much time I am spending away from home.”
Validating feelings does not mean that we agree with what the person is saying. It is important to acknowledge what the other person is experiencing so they feel heard and understood. This establishes a foundation of safety and respect so ultimately some form of agreement can be reached.
- Reflect and respond constructively
This is a simple skill of paraphrasing. Ask for confirmation that the message is understood clearly.
“You are wanting to share the household responsibilities. Is that what you are saying?”
Active constructive responding goes beyond simple paraphrasing and encourages clients to respond enthusiastically and positively to good news. It involves emotional engagement, positive feedback, and asking questions to demonstrate interest.
- Take responsibility
Taking responsibility involves using “I feel” statements and focusing on the internal experience of the situation. This is often one of the more difficult skills for clients to learn because it is the exact opposite of the human desire to become defensive or place blame (Ross et al., 2019).
Once these skills are introduced, have clients take turns practicing them. One partner will spend two minutes as the speaker, and the other will act as the listener.
Point out where they are hitting the mark and what they may want to work on. You can use this active listening worksheet to reflect on the interaction with your clients.
5. Requests, boundaries, and problem-solving
This is where the substance of the discussion begins, once participants have mastered emotional regulation skills and have clearly established mutual goals (Ross et al., 2019).
Nonviolent communication (NVC) is an important component of the stage. NVC emphasizes compassion and empathy to counteract the often “violent” nature of conflict.
It involves observing the situation without judgment, expressing feelings openly, identifying unmet needs, and making specific requests (Ross et al., 2019). NVC is a healthy way to make requests, set boundaries, and solve problems.
- Requests
Requests are specific asks for an action, behavior, or service within a set time frame. Oftentimes, individuals will hint at what they want, guilt-trip, complain, or set demands, which creates tension and escalates conflict. Requests can turn frustration and ambiguity into collaboration.
Requests should be framed in the positive, i.e., what you want versus what you don’t want.
Example: “Can you please take the trash out every Monday evening?” versus “Stop playing video games and help around the house.”
- Boundaries
Boundaries include setting limits and consequences, focusing on what you will do rather than what other people are doing. It is important to state what you will or will not do and follow through consistently.
Formula: Here is what I am willing to do/here is what I am not willing to do. Use this useful How to Set Boundaries worksheet to aid your clients.
- Problem-solving
Problem-solving is collaborative, not competitive or combative. The goal is to move conversations from conflict to creative curiosity about the underlying needs of both parties. Individuals can brainstorm ideas without judgment, choose solutions that work for everyone, and get feedback on their effectiveness.
6. Repair and reconnect
In this phase, clients will work to restore trust and reduce the threat of ongoing or escalating conflict. This is accomplished through the following steps:
- Acknowledge and recognize the impact and point of rupture or conflict. Have clients state, “I can see how … was hurtful and how it impacted …” This clarifies the situation rather than ignoring it.
- Clients will each take responsibility for their part of the conflict, which decreases the likelihood of defensiveness and lowers threat.
- Identify the specific impact each party had in the conflict. For example, “My decision to go to the store caused you to be late and made you feel disrespected.” Individuals are often less concerned about the mistake itself than whether the impact is acknowledged (Bieleke et al., 2021).
- Express genuine understanding and remorse. “I can see how my action of … made you feel …, and that is wrong.”
- Make amends and turn apology into action. It is a concrete step toward making things right. “I will reimburse you for the accidental charge on your credit card.”
- Create a prevention plan that outlines how things will be different moving forward. “I will let you know before I make a purchase over $50 in the future.” A prevention plan builds trust by showing that you are learning rather than repeating behaviors (Gottman & Gottman, 2015).
7. Practice plan and relapse prevention
At this point, clients are able to regulate their emotions, map out the conflict loop, and identify patterns as well as shared goals and values. Clients have learned skills to manage the conflict and break the pattern.
Use this essential skills worksheet with clients to reinforce positive communication, boundaries, and problem-solving techniques that will create new and healthier ways to navigate differences.
Create an if-then plan, which can act as a mental shortcut during emotionally charged situations. For example: “IF my partner criticizes me and I feel defensive, THEN I will take two deep breaths and say, ‘I am feeling sad and hurt. Can we talk about this in a softer tone?”
Clients can select or be assigned one to two homework options each week based on individual strengths, weaknesses, and needs.
In addition to the worksheets suggested previously, continue to practice listening with purpose.
Have clients continually debrief conflicts by setting aside time regularly each week to identify triggers, what worked, what continues to be challenging, and new ideas to try.
Offer this conflict resolution checklist for debriefing sessions to gain additional insight.
Creating positive connections outside of conflict is important to strengthen relationships and will help partners through challenging times (Merolla & Harman, 2016). I often suggest creating a connection ritual that provides regular points of connection to build trust, purpose, and meaning.
Relapse prevention is also a good place to implement progress trackers to measure the ability and efficacy of conflict resolution and communication skills.
At this point, clients can track the frequency and duration of conflict, the time it takes to “repair after rupture, and the number of successful requests that are made and fulfilled.
Clients may also record effective communication skills such as the number of accurate reflections, validations, and active listening sessions.
Conflict is a part of any interpersonal relationship and arises because no two people are exactly the same.
